Wednesday, March 23, 2005

The Man Who Hated Lubavitchers



An Exclusive Work of Short Fiction by Literary Correspondent Hank Magitz

Harold wasn’t the smartest guy in the world, but he wasn’t the dumbest either. He couldn’t precisely explain why he felt the way he did, but Lubavitchers gave him douche chills, right to the bone, like watching a buddy marry an unfaithful woman. Or biting into a rotten fruit. There’s nothing worse than finding the promise of truth and beauty infested with worms.

It bothered Harold to see them in his shul. It wasn’t really his shul; he only went there once in a while, now that his children were grown and his wife was gone. All things considered, he’d had just about as much religion as he needed in a lifetime, but every now and again the urge hit him and he’d venture over for a piece of gefilte fish with horseradish and answer amen to the congregation. Tradition. He didn’t even like gefilte fish.

Each time Harold returned to shul he’d notice more of them. At first just a few had wandered in and stood in the back. A few months later, they brought their own special prayer books, which were just a wee bit different than the standard ones. The books were nice and new and they were donated to the shul. Harold knew what that meant. A few months later, they were practically running the place.

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15 Comments:

At 2:33 PM, March 23, 2005, Anonymous Yudel said...

are the lubavitchers stealing ipods??? great tale, based on a true story, I believe. My only issue is that the first bullet mentioned, the suicid bullet, seemed to exist to the exclusion of the other 13---- where did those other 13 come from?

 
At 3:13 PM, March 23, 2005, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think you have some real anger issues you need to work out! You might also need an attorney for defamation of character after some people (i.e. Lubavitchers) read this -- not to mention watching your back!

 
At 4:41 PM, March 23, 2005, Blogger barseff said...

i was cracking up in my desk. thanks for sharing.

Rabbi Shem Tov at Riverdale Chabad would probably laugh too. i'll give a hug to anonymous if he's a guy, otherwise i'll ask my prego wife.

i'm going to print out the story and share with my in-laws in crown heights. they're anti-yechi.

much love,
barry

 
At 5:58 PM, March 23, 2005, Anonymous Charlton Heston said...

All good Americans know that most 9-mm guns hold 13 bullets in a clip and one in the chamber.

 
At 5:59 PM, March 23, 2005, Anonymous Charlton Heston said...

(The above firearms lesson was for you Yudel)

 
At 6:06 PM, March 23, 2005, Anonymous Jack Finney said...

I suspect the "pod" reference was an allusion to "Invasion of the Body Snatchers," a clever novel (if I do say so myself) in which a small town doctor learns that the population of his community is being replaced by alien duplicates.

 
At 12:51 AM, March 24, 2005, Anonymous Esther said...

Reminded me a little of the massacre scenes from Scarface and The Godfather.

And I wonder what Wendy Shalit would have to say about this.

There's some real hatred in this story, though, and it's giving me heartburn.

Here's to a Purim free of such animosity, and full instead of love and peace for all Jews.

 
At 8:07 AM, March 24, 2005, Anonymous Yudel said...

Hey Chuckie H, thanks for the info, ChazMAv himself filled me in as we sipped a Stella and ate french pork.

But my concern, more than with the technical realia of the gun (although good to know), was that Harold notes that the bullet in the chamber was for taking his own life....

I reckon that Harold figgers he'll squeeze off a few for the Rebbe first, thus changing the designation of that chamber bullet.....

 
At 8:37 AM, March 24, 2005, Blogger Chazarmaveth said...

i did not eat french pork. it was italian pepperoni. yudel, shame on you.
amen, esther. we should love and cherish all of our fellow jews, no doubt about that. i think hank, if i may allow myself the luxury of elucidating his point, is voicing (in, true, a highly graphic way) a dark fantasy, a popular fear, and a hatred not necessarily of fellow jews, but of the monolithic, monopolistic institutions that they create, worship, and subjugate each other with. i think hank wants to see jews loving and treating each other like feeling, thinking human beings; i don't really think he wants to see them blowing each other away... but sometimes, i think he just feels like doing it out of sheer frustration for the impenetrability and complexity and butt-headedness of those institutions and their leaders, and i certainly identify with that frustration, which is why i published his story.
thanks for reading and putting in your two cents. purim sameach!

 
At 11:26 AM, March 24, 2005, Anonymous Yudel said...

i think thank hank wants to shoot chbadniks, zehu.

 
At 11:26 AM, March 24, 2005, Anonymous yudel said...

a

 
At 11:27 AM, March 24, 2005, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Chaz, I'm glad to see you (or Hank) explaining some rationale for the hatred and over-the-top gore in the story. Remember, however, that the pen is mightier than the sword, and that others may not understand your writings, taken on a literal basis.
Purim Sameach!

 
At 11:35 AM, March 24, 2005, Anonymous ck said...

Uh... holy crap??

 
At 9:42 AM, March 25, 2005, Blogger Mike said...

That was the worst piece of writing I've ever read. I shared it with a friend before I had a chance to read it and I am embarrassed for having shown it to him and reading it.

 
At 4:29 PM, March 25, 2005, Anonymous Rabbi Shmuel Butman said...

Gosh, Mike--
If that's the worst writing you've ever suffered through, then you clearly haven't seen any of my propaganda... er, LITERATURE floating around 770 and your own university. At least Magitz can spell.
Yechi, yechi, yechi...

 

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