Wednesday, June 29, 2005

I Am Turning 30 in Three Weeks...

What's that you say? You wanted to buy me a 30th birthday present, but you couldn't decide what to get me, for lack of knowing what I wouldn't immediately throw out the window the minute after you left? You wanted to get me something that I actually might want to receive, and not something that you thought that I might want to receive?

Well, here's your shot, sucka! That's right! Here, in no particular order, is my customized wish-list of exorbitantly expensive 30th-birthday gifts, none of which I actually expect to receive from anyone, but which would make this whole 'transition' into the 3rd decade of my life (not to mention the other whole 'transition' into 'becoming a father', which will be happening after another month) much more enjoyable, tolerable and, let's face it, zany.

Freaks and Geeks Deluxe Edition DVD Set (pictured above)
Retail Price: $120.00
Reason: If you grew up in the 1980's and you've never heard of this TV series, you are really missing out, and this is coming from a die-hard 80's nostalgia cynic. This series, which was cancelled after one season (which, I gotta admit, might be one of the reasons it has become so cemented in the pop-culture lexicon as a cult-favorite, where (in my opinion) it rightfully belongs), came out in 1999, when I was in such a deep anti-materialist, anti-Americanist, anti-anything-not-Rabbinically-sanctioned phase of my life that, had I seen it then, I woulda been all "Man, this show is just re-commodifying collective memories of the corporate consumerist dreamland developed for a secularized society bereft of true spiritual or moral leadership!!!!" But now, seeing it in 2005, on the eve of my 30th birthday, I'm all "Shut up Rabbi! Freaks and Geeks rules!!!!!!"
Special Note: This Deluxe Limited Edition 8-DVD set, which has hours of extras, a few booklets, special packaging and all kindsa other junk, is seemingly only available from their site, and only for a limited time -- though I haven't scoured the entire Internet, I could not find mention of the Deluxe Limited Edition on eBay or Amazon, so caveat emptor, as they say...

Star Wars Trilogy DVD Set
Retail Price: $49.99
Reason: Aw, c'mon. Do I need a reason? Howsabout that 4th DVD?
Special Note: Yes, it's way more affordable, which is why my wife may already be getting it for me (shh!!! don't tell her I told you!), so check with me personally before picking this one up.

James Burke's Connections DVD set
Retail Price: $149.99
Reason: (from their website) This ten volume series was made in 1978. By turning science into a detective story, James Burke creates a PBS television series that will fascinate students and adults alike. As the Sherlock Holmes of science, Burke tracks through 12,000 years of history for the clues that lead us to eight great life changing inventions -- the atom bomb, telecommunications, the computer, the production line, jet aircraft, plastics, rocketry and television. Burke postulates that such changes occur in response to factors he calls “triggers,” some of them seemingly unrelated. These have their own triggering effects, causing change in totally unrelated fields as well. And so the connections begin...
Special Note: File this gift under the "to be passed on and/or watched with aforementioned new child, when the time is right."

Heritage: Civilization and the Jews DVD Set
Retail Price: $84.95
Reason: I had to have at least one Jewish DVD set on here. And this one looks like the best pick, even though I've never seen a single episode. I hear it's pretty good, and if I am going to try to make some sort of Jewish History Media Project at some point in my life (all specifics remaining heretofore undisclosed), I guess I should see what's already been done, and take it apart with my bare hands (which I unfortunately couldn't do with a rental copy).
Special Note: This also may be filed under the "to be passed on and/or watched with aforementioned new child, when the time is right."

McSweeney's and The Believer Super Subscription Combo
Retail Price: $90.00
Reason: Because I need something to read while riding on the train every day, and McSweeney's Quarterly Concern is a great magazine chock-full of pop-cultural and literary nudge-nudge-wink-winks (and the hyphenated phrases that describe them). I've seen The Believer once or twice, and it's pretty darn great, and it comes out 6 more times a year than the Quarterly! C'mon people -- give me something I can pummel those Jews For Jesus freaks in the subway with!

Wired Subscription
Retail Price: $20.00 (for 2-year subscription with free gift)
Reason: Allright, I'm a sucker, and this magazine is total brain candy... but what else am I supposed to read on Shabbos? Divrei Torah?

Tickets for 2 to 'Avenue Q' on Tuesday, July 19 at 8PM
Retail Price: $207.00
Reason: It's my 30th birthday! What other reason do I need to see a Tony-winning Broadway show?

Now, seriously. My wife and I would much prefer you to buy stuff off of our baby registries. Screw my birthday -- buy me a box of floss. Or a card. Seriously. We would really much prefer a carseat, stroller, or any of the other stuff we have registered for, because that sh*t is ex-pen-sive, if ya know what I mean. If you really want to buy me something, please leave a comment and I will contact you. Don't go flyin' off the hook tryin' to surprise me, now. Thanks.


At 3:37 PM, June 29, 2005, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well, there's a lot of truth in humor. Seriously, though, where is Child of Silverman registered?

At 5:10 PM, June 29, 2005, Blogger Chazarmaveth said...

I only disclose this privately -- log in as someone other than 'anonymous' and i will get back to you!

At 1:30 AM, June 30, 2005, Anonymous Esther said...

Dude, I have two words for you:
Amazon Wishlist. It's totally the easiest way to "register" for your presents...

But to ruin the surprise, I'm not getting you anything. Happy birthday!

At 3:19 AM, June 30, 2005, Blogger ADAM said...


Here is an idea for the gift registry concept:

George, age 92, and Edith, age 89, had been seeing each other for 2 years when they decided that life was too short and they might
as well be together for the rest of their lives.
Excited about their decision to become newlyweds, they went for a stroll to discuss the wedding and what plans need to be made.
Along their way, they found themselves in front of a drugstore. George said to his
bride-to-be, "Let's go in. I have an idea."

They walked to the rear of the store and

addressed the man behind the counter:

"Are you the owner?" asked George.

The pharmacist answered, "Yes, sir. I am.

How can I help you?"

George: "Do you sell heart medications?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

George: "How about support hose for


Pharmacist: "Definitely."

George: "What about medications for

rheumatism, osteoporosis and arthritis?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

George: "How about waterproof furniture

pads and Depends?"

Pharmacist: "Yes sir."

George: "Hearing aids, denture supplies and

reading glasses?"

Pharmacist: "Yes."

George: "What about eye drops, sleeping pills,

Geritol, Preparation-H and ExLax?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

George: "You sell wheelchairs, walkers and


Pharmacist: "All kinds and sizes. Why all these


George smiled, glanced shyly at Edith and

replied to the pharmacist, "We've decided to

get married and we'd like to use your store as

our Bridal Registry

At 8:23 AM, June 30, 2005, Blogger Chazarmaveth said...

wow adam... uhhh... thanks.
and esther, thanks for your wishes. are you sure you wouldn't like to buy me, say, even a box of floss? gotta keep those choppers clean now, especially at my advancing age...

At 9:33 PM, June 30, 2005, Blogger ADAM said...

Yo Piggy,

I thought you would like that joke. I used it as
a most effective device to pick up chicks at frumster. I mostly go after the Ladies my age, like in thier 40's or late 30's these days, so they are especially appreciative of my approach.

At 2:03 PM, July 06, 2005, Blogger DoubleR said...

Hey Nephew! I guess you are soon to be trusted now that you will soon be over 30. Please do send us your link to your offspring's material wish list. Also.. check out your cousins new band totally rightous band link - - listen to the amazingly wonderful cuts... and add them to your destinatins. The lead singer is who your escorted your Dad when to the small Chabad gathering near the house.


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