El Puerco de la Muerte

Sexy Halloween

2006-10-30T17:14:00.000-05:00

Got it from SefGrey, who got it from College Humor. The 1900 Steel Congolmerate Tycoon had me rolling on the floor.

Classics of Western Civilization -- Pt. 1

2006-09-15T14:52:00.000-04:00

One of the best Muppets skits ever made... glad that the nutty guys at DevilDucky agree with me.

Kickin' it Low-Fi, Old-School Stop Motion Style

2006-09-14T23:07:00.000-04:00

They won't let us embed it... so here it is...

If Ya Can't Keep It In Yer Pants...

2006-09-10T22:18:00.000-04:00

...keep it in the family.

Storyboard Man

2006-09-07T16:03:00.000-04:00

I went to SVA with this guy, Robert Castillo, winner of the Gold Medal in the 'Alternative' category at the 31st Annual Student Academy Awards for his DVD entitled S.P.I.C. -- The Storyboard of my Life, and I am honored and priviledged to call my friend. He has become quite the renowned storyboard artist, and recently had the above profile piece on Latin Nation. He was also recently recruited by ESPN Deportes to do a bunch of spots based on his art called Buenas Noches -- which were edited here at Creative Bubble. Way to go, Rob! Your story inspires everyone who hears it! Keep it going strong!

Alternadox

2006-09-06T12:09:00.000-04:00

Rabbi Gavriel (above) rules. And so does his audio podcast.

Idea For A Vodcast

2006-09-01T13:22:00.000-04:00

• "Jewthang" or "The 1-Minute Daily Hebraic Tale of the Underworld"

• Based on essay/s by prominent Jewish thinkers (Yitz Greenberg, Danny Landes, etc.)

• 1-minute (or less) shpiel with a discussion question, contest, or challenge (think 88Slide)

• Think ze frank's the show, except Jewish history/narrative instead of current events

• Clever small animations, clips submitted from users, stuff hijacked from popculture, etc.

If you steal my idea, I will personally hunt you down and make you my bitch.

Good Shabbos.

P.S. Got a $25 iTunes Gift Certificate for my birthday -- what I should buy?

Aw Hell Yeah!

2006-08-22T12:30:00.000-04:00

The Max Headroom pilot free on YouTube!!!

And while you're checking it out, check out Digg Drop, which catalogues free stuff on YouTube. Thanks to Digg once again!

Finally!!!

2006-08-16T11:03:00.000-04:00

The clip we've all been waiting for!!! (Thanks to Digg)

Great New Disc & Stuff

2006-08-07T16:51:00.000-04:00

OK, so I haven't had time to make a new vlog, who do I look like, Ze Frank or somethin'?

New episodes of "The Pig of Death Video Podcast" may or may not be coming soon... ish.

By the by, Eden Mi Qedem's new CD is amazing. Lush, entrancing, evocative, splendid. The first CD I've paid money for in a long, long time, and it was worth every damn red cent, I tell ya. From my entry on the CD Baby page:

An extremely mature debut album from an artist whose palette remarkably transcends the classification of "Middle-Eastern-Rock-Fusion" that it will receive from the World Music community. A unifying theme of cultural and, more importantly, spiritual syncretism is omnipresent in the rhythms, melodies, instrumentation, and subject matter of this unique 65+ minute foray, the likes of which one rarely hears emanating from the international music scene. Exotic yet intimate, universal yet deeply personal, atmospheric and intelligent yet funky and danceable, this album deserves an extremely wide audience in the present moment, which I hope it receives in scores.

Here's a sample from track 3, Ze Hayyom

Scary, Scary World...

2006-07-31T13:47:00.000-04:00

Dear God, this world is screwed up.

Please make things work better and prevent all manner of bad things from happening.

Do it for this little girl, who just turned 1 year old. Don't do it for me, I personally don't care anymore.

Just do it for her and little kids like her, who deserve a shot at happiness + prosperity.

Thanks --

Chazarmaveth

The Pig of Death : Vodcast Episode #4

2006-04-10T07:37:00.000-04:00

This week on the Vodcast:

1) What is it with all these hot chicks on podcasts --

-- Tiki Bar TV's Lala
-- Rocketboom's Amanda Congdon
-- Geekbrief TV's Cali Lewis
-- KitKast's Casey McKinnon, and of course,
-- French maid TV

We need more dudes, dude!

2) Cow Abductions
(from Jessica Sterfels, a soil conservationist in Petaluma, CA, who also happens to be my sister-in-law)

3) I thought this guy, Chris Bliss, had the most amazing juggling act I'd ever seen -- and his associated standup act wasn't too shabby either -- at least, not until I saw Jason Garfield's parody of his act, which truly puts him to shame (at least, on the juggling tip). Wow.

4) Lip Synch Madness -- A whole new internet video channel is being spawned -- Gidol, where people are performing competitive lip-synching for the mindless entertainment of millions.

Check out that you can submit your own lip-synch by April 15 and you can be on MTV!!!

5) Bar Mitzvah Disco -- submit your Bar Mitzvah video here! I submitted mine!

6) The Kid from Brooklyn whales on Starbucks -- caught this from Gawker.com.

7) P.S. The Easter Bunny Hates You.

Stay tuned, my sucklings!!!

The Pig of Death : Vodcast Episode #3

2006-03-21T02:12:00.000-05:00

This week on the Vodcast:

1) THE PIGLET OF DEATH -- By popular demand, here's footage of our little 7.5-month-old oinker fervently enjoying her toy squeaky duck, and very eloquently spitting up some oatmeal...

2) And speaking of little babies... here is 4 BABIES LAUGHING THEIR ASSES OFF (pulled from Google Video) -- all I have to say is, this actually gets creepier the longer you watch it.

3) And speaking of creepy, Number 3 is my good friend XYLONETS -- whose SOON-TO-BE-FAMOUS PHOTOS of strange things being done by even stranger animals are getting massive traffic on Flickr.com, and are being displayed in several prominent European photography exhibitions this spring.

4) Speaking of strange animals, did anyone hear about this FURRY LOBSTER -- on the Jimmy Kimmel show, OR from DevilDucky.com -- this is just funny.

5) And since we're pursuing the whole "strange animal" phenomena, we should take a moment for this clip of FUNNY CATS (received from Father in Law) -- I usually hate cat stuff, but this is actually pretty amazing. Especially the stuff with the little kids.

6) And further along in the "Who gives a crap about it?" topic, here are some DUMBASS ACCIDENTS (SEEN FROM FARK.COM) -- I've seen some of this stuff before, but it's just stunning how idiotic some people are.

7) And of course, no podcast would be complete without the obligatory announcement about the SNAKES ON A PLANE POSTER CONTEST / TRAILER RELEASE THIS WEEK! -- There's really not much to say about this, except that THERE ARE SNAKES ON A MUTHAFUCKIN' PLANE!!!!!!!! Check the trailer, the contest and the offical Song.

8) Let's wrap it up with footage from a wedding I attended last week at the Grand Prospect Hall in Park Slope, where my pals Aaron and Shira got married, and where the ice cream parlor scene from "The Royal `Tenenbaums" was shot. Mazal tov to Aaron and Shira!!!

Stay tuned, my sucklings!!!

The Pig of Death : Vodcast Episode #2

2006-03-09T13:03:00.000-05:00

This week on the Vodcast:

1) The Big Dog ultra-secret military pack mule,

2) Amazing 12-year-old kid makes drummers everywhere wake up and eat their Wheaties,

3) Fruit Roll-Up Computers (illustrative video added for nostalgic effect),

4) An advertisement for a Purim Shpiel called The Shushan Channel in NYC...

5) A must-have holiday gift for the early 80's... why haven't they brought these back yet, by the way?!?

6) Snakes on a plane... for real (from Fark.com)!!!

7) The ever-viral Natalie Portman gangsta rap.

Have an excellent Shabbos, my sucklings!!!

The Pig of Death : Vodcast Episode #1

2006-02-28T00:34:00.000-05:00

This week on Episode #1 of The Pig of Death Vodcast (video podcast, for those who need a translation):

1) The Autistic Basketball Star and why his coach and teammates must be denser than week-old kneidlach,

2) Tiki Bar TV and why I am a die-hard subscriber,

3) The Urban Ninjas and how they flip out and... well, flip out!

4) Joti vs. Chassid -- hipster madness in Park Slope.

5) Y-Love -- English/Hebrew/Aramaic/Arabic/Yiddish hip hop performed by an African-American yeshiva buchur (hat-tip to Jewschool for the above two).

6) Grinning Evil Death -- a nostalgic segment from Liquid Television, circa 1991.

(P.S. If Chazarmaveth doesn't drop dead of exasperation before the third of these vodcasts has been completed, you will be able to subscribe to The Pig of Death vodcast on iTunes! Now doesn't that sound worth it all?!?)

(P.P.S. I know, I know, I KNOW, it's not really a "vodcast" if'n unless you can download the MP4 to your video iPod... which leads me to my next post-script...)

(P.P.P.S. Anyone know of some good, cheap-ish, high-bandwidth video hosting for hire (Google Video and YouTube excluded, since their encoding and file downloads suck)? Please leave a comment here!)

Stay tuned, my sucklings!!!

Skating Without Boards...

2006-02-23T11:56:00.000-05:00

YouTube rules. That's all I have to say. The age of television is officially over. Sorry to be the one to tell ya.

Oh, and if you don't believe me, just click here, biatch.

Yup... just what I thought.

Glad I Don't Have That Job...

2006-02-09T12:38:00.000-05:00

Hey, sweatshops aren't just for Southeast Asia anymore!

Check this article about how Netflix does what it does. Be sure to watch the accompanying video!

Actually, they may not be a sweatshop. Who knows what kinds of salaries and benefits their employees get. But hell, how much could it be? And who could handle such a job?

I always presumed that Netflix had created envelope-stuffing robots to do that stuff. Guess I was wrong.

The McDonalds Videogame

2006-02-09T11:55:00.000-05:00

I really loved Super Size Me, not just for its incredibly important message, but for the way its creator managed to maintain such goofy spontaneity amidst the eminently apocalyptic milleu that his film painted. Sometimes, when you realize that there's not much you can do about impending worldwide environmental/health disaster, you've just gotta chuckle.

Well, get ready for Super Size Me, the Flash videogame. Like McDonalds itself, it's fun, addictive and depressing, all at the same time.

(Thanks to dubski at Digg.com for this one.)

Sleepless in Seattle remix

2006-01-31T16:15:00.000-05:00

Funny, funny, funny...

Breakin the Law, Breakin the Law

2006-01-30T18:44:00.000-05:00

Wow. Just got an e-mail from a way-old pal of mine, Jason King.

For those who don't know, I used to do installation/performance art back in the day. Me and Big Daddy J, as I'm fond of calling him, were major collaborators. And we made a pretty kick-butt team, if I may say so myself.

Turns out, homeboy's been doin' some f*ed up, nightmarish-ass Photoshoppery over on his Flickr site (the above image is from his Neverland, Amerika collection, which is definitely worth a look-see).

From his description of why he's making these images:

"I live (temporarily) on a little patch of used to be farmland with a big barn, a farmhouse, and some outbuildings. I have a camera. I got a couple of masks that I adore. I am alone, except for my wife and cat. Put it all together and my mind started churning out this whole little imaginary world."

I am humbled by these images, which give me this strange twisting apocalyptic feeling all throughout my viscera, and am reminded that even though my below demo reel is all flashy-and-slick-and-savvy and stuff, I haven't really been making any ART in the 2 years since I graduated Art School...

...and that kinda sucks.

Addicted to DevilDucky

2006-01-27T12:10:00.000-05:00

I'm not sure if I'd let my kids do something like this, but I guess I've got a few more years to decide.

Also, be sure to check out the 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10-11-12 song/video here. Classic, classic stuff.

Gut Shabbos!

Do Not Call This Number

2006-01-24T16:38:00.000-05:00

Interesting idea at this site...

It would be much more interesting if they introduced a daily question, like "Where was your first kiss?" or "What's the most embarrassing thing that ever happened to you?" or stuff like that.

(Link from i-am-bored.)

What I Do For a Living

2006-01-23T17:56:00.000-05:00

Thought you might be interested in this rough cut of a Demo Reel I'm scrapin' together...

Not too shabby, eh?

(P.S. Speaking of "rough cuts," if you're somehow involved in the post-production/editorial industry, you will love this...)

Scream If You Want It

2006-01-22T21:50:00.000-05:00

As if the art of laying bare the truth and interviewing famous Sci-Fi/Fantasy icons wasn't enough, Hank Magitz (an old drinking buddy, bodyguard and infrequent contributor to the Pig of Death) has now got his very own megasite called Scream If You Want It, in which he not only interviews more famous horror/fantasy authors like Neil Gaiman while (almost simultaneously) ripping geriatric Limey freaks like Rod Stewart a new one, but in which he also takes an important moment or two to discuss the various and many-splendored virtues of such important and influential world political leaders as Elisha Cuthbert, Angelina Jolie and Jessica Alba (and not, I repeat, not, in a manner that would give all 2 of our tzniyusly-minded readers any warm fuzzies -- please, be warned, whoever you are).

He's also got Havdalah, a quintessential beacon of journalistic objectivity with which he is disseminating awareness, knowledge, truth, sex, drugs AND a promotional plug for his pal Clifford Meth's new book, Meth O.D., which promises to follow in Magitz's well-worn footsteps and kick some hardcore butt. Meth's previous short-story collection (which got me involved in this whole sticky Magitz situation to begin with), namely god's 15 minutes, is (to me) on par with:

1) Torat Moshe me'Sinai,

2) The Bagavhad Gita (not that I've ever read it, but I've heard it rules)

3) The grilled BBQ pastrami sandwich at Wolf and Lamb.

Both of these fine offerings are available through Aardwolf Publishing, though Meth O.D. won't be available until March. I'm ordering my copy today, and you can't borrow it when I'm done with it, so there.

In other news, DevilDucky freaking rules. You've got to check out their full clip of Bill Shatner ripping on Trekkers, as well as Triumph the Insult Comic dog ripping on the Star Wars geeks.

(Oh, and Hank -- don't forget Scarlett Johannson getting felt up on national television (thanks to Jewschool for this).)

Flickr Pro or No?

2006-01-11T10:39:00.000-05:00

Aight. So lots of old photos are now up on my Flickr account.

Now I'm debating...

This could be a nice, ad-free, blog-friendly alternative to using Kodak Gallery... conceivably, I could put my entire life's worth of photos on here, which, though a massive undertaking, would be kinda cool...

Think it's worth the $24.95/year to get a Pro Flickr account and get 2GB monthly upload and unlimited photosets (i.e. MUCH better organizational capabilities)?

Opinions, anyone?

Awesome Street Art in Chelsea

2006-01-06T15:25:00.000-05:00

Saw this on 17th Street between 5th and 6th.

For those who don't know, the gaming console that is substituting for these kids' regular playthings is drawn to resemble a Portable Sony Playstation (or PSP).

I love their bugged-out little eyes...

UPDATE 1/8/06: Check out this Flickr set by a guy called Habit Forming -- evidently, these aren't just on 17th street...

Box of Old Stuff from High School

2006-01-05T14:04:00.000-05:00

Check out the DeathPig above -- age 16 or 17, on a ferris wheel, daydreaming about a pretty girl with curly blonde hair. Pretty nice dark Jew curls, eh?

Notice that this photo was taken with... real film? OMG, it must be from the early 90's -- only a total loser would use "real" film these days!

Just got a box of old stuff from high school/middle school shipped to me from home. It's got some truly classic old stuff, most of which is comprised of in-jokes and gross/racist humor, but hey -- that's childhood for ya, right?

I'll be making a Flickr album of the best stuff soon, so stay tuned, for all those who are interested...

The Village's Best Kept Secret...

2006-01-03T21:05:00.000-05:00

Saw my old pal Josh Young last night in the East Village at Arlene's Grocery, where, on Monday nights at 10PM, a live rock band accompanies anyone who has the balls to get up and do karaoke to this list of songs. However, this was Tuesday night, and the only person with the balls to get onstage was Josh himself, who was scheduled to perform anyway.

He rocked the house. Josh, if you're reading this, you rocked the house. Shoulda done some Michael McDonald, though. I'm tellin' ya... screw that Van Morrison crap, buddy; Michael's where it's at.

Problem with Josh? No one knows how talented the boy is. Boy is mad talented, yo. And, he was a yeshiva homey. That's right, gingy-boy pop star Josh Young went to yeshiva in Israel for a little while. And he's been in Michael McDonald's hiz-ouse! I'll bet none of you can say that, now, can ya?

Josh -- put a link to sell your CD on your website, dude. And then send me a free promotional copy.

Why Am I Always The Last...

2005-12-29T12:09:00.000-05:00

... to hear about this stuff?

Turns out, Sarah and I were thinking of going to L.A. dafka around that weekend!

Is L.A. anywhere near Long Beach?

(P.S. Check out an audio podcast featuring a crapload of my Bat Ayin rabbi homies... why are they being interviewed? What do they have to do with the Jewlicious at the Beach conference? Mmmmm....)

Get Off My Train!!!

2005-12-27T00:46:00.000-05:00

Well, looks like he'll finally have the Train all to himself...

Vincent Schiavelli died yesterday at age 57 (from MSN News).

That freaking sucks. I really liked him. He was an awesome character actor, probably one of my all-time favorites.

I mean, c'mon -- he was the "Get Off My Train!!!" guy from Ghost!!! Not to mention his unforgettable support to Christopher Lloyd's John Bigboote in Buckaroo Banzai...

Rest in peace, Vic. In a Hollywood where whiny, sissy-boy crybabies like Hayden Christiansen get to play the Evil Dark Lord of All the Universe, your type of quirk, eccentricity and professionalism will be sorely, sorely missed.

Shnookie Woogums' Chanukah

2005-12-26T22:07:00.000-05:00

Gosh, our baby is yummy. Add a bath, a few pieces of gelt, and some burning candles into the mix -- and that's a recipe for endless Chanukah fun.

Click above for the album. And happy Chanukah!

Happy Holidays... Florida Style

2005-12-25T21:31:00.000-05:00

Yes, those are pink flamingos pulling Santa's sleigh. Yes, those flamingos all have big, brown antlers. Yes, the lead flamingo has a red, shiny nose.

And yes, there is a blue tarp on the roof of the house in the background, from 16-month-old hurricane damage.

Happy Holidays from suburban central Florida, folks.

(Thanks, Mom, for snapping this one up)

The Glass is Half-Full... Right?

2005-12-19T21:45:00.000-05:00

Peep this comic, which I found courtesy of browsing around MCA's links section.

Freakin' awesome!

"All The Women Are Strong, The Men Are Good Looking..."

2005-12-19T13:33:00.000-05:00

"... and all the children are above average."

Went to see A Prairie Home Companion at Town Hall on W. 43rd Street last motzei Shabbos.

Pretty good show. Pretty Christmas-y show, all things told, including audience sing-alongs which Sarah and I, well, didn't sing along with. It was definitely a thrill to see Garrison Keillor in person, and to see a live radio show being broadcast to millions of people. Especially impressive (and funny) was the sound-FX guy (pictured above, to the far left)... but then, I've always been a pushover for sound-FX guys, and though it seems an odd occupation to have, I definitely aspire to that level of creativity/ingenuity/eccentricity in my life's work, whatever that may turn out to be.

Check out the broadcast here. Hear that histrionic-sounding guffaw echoing from the audience as Garrison and The Wailin' Jennys start in on their rendition of Sting's "Fields of Gold?" Guess who that is?

It turned out that, much to the audience's confoundment, they were not performing it as a joke, and they actually did a halfway-respectable job turning it around into a halfway-decent meditation... however, the washed-up, balding, Tantric-sex-having, adult-contemporary fucker who wrote it will still never escape my eternal wrath for having written it in the first place. 'Nuff said.

Hope Garrison's predictions about the transit strike come true -- I'd love a couple of extra days at home!

Are You an Artist or Poet?

2005-12-14T15:56:00.000-05:00

If your answer is "yes" to either of these, according to a recent study at the Newcastle University's School of Biology, then you are probably gettin' more "play" than any of your non-artist/non-poet friends.

In the words of the study's head researcher:

"...Very creative types lead a bohemian lifestyle and tend to act on more sexual impulses and opportunities, often purely for experience's sake, than the average person would. Moreover, it's common to find that this sexual behaviour is tolerated in creative people. Partners, even long-term ones, are less likely to expect loyalty and fidelity from them."

Maybe that's why I know so few frum arteests.

Forget about whether or not this study actually rings true for creative types (which is certainly debatable). Also, forget about the preposterous notion that creative types all live bohemian lifestyles. I just want to know one thing:

Why is this a topic that deserves scientific inquiry?

(Link from Artkrush)

Twinkle Twinkle

2005-12-13T18:22:00.000-05:00

I'm currently working my butt off in Las Vegas, which is why I haven't posted stuff in a while. So even though this isn't Jewishly themed, I got it in my inbox, it's really cute, and it uses Flash, so I thought I'd share it.

P.S. Nominations are now open for the 2005 Jewish & Israeli Blog Awards -- feel free to give The Pig of Death at least one shout, even if it's been kinda sucky lately... I promise (bli neder) it will get better one day...

What Would Jesus Douche?

2005-12-07T23:08:00.000-05:00

Jewschool always seems to get the good stuff first. Ah well.

Makes me proud to be a Silverman.

Happy Holidays!

The Exuberance of Youth...

2005-11-22T23:53:00.000-05:00

Above is David Lavon. Go see his video. Go see it *now*. Try and pay attention to the part where he keeps his black yeshivish hat on while doing the windmill.

Thanks to Jewschool for the link, to my wife for noticing the hat.

The Search for Animal Chin...

2005-11-16T22:13:00.000-05:00

Everyone's so hot on the 80's these days. Well let me tell you something about the 80's, my friend. In the 80's, I used to shred. I was a freaking thrasher, man. I freaking ruled, OK.

Okay, actually. I was a whiny little poser who wore wanna-be skate rags, had way-too-expensive gear, and whose only real encounter with road rash led to an almost absolute abandonment of the sport (which, for me, was more of a hobby, but whatever -- pre-bar-mitzvah pischers are usually just concerned with being "cool," right? That, and getting to 2nd base). Check out the right, where me & my pal Joe not only sport some wicked Powell Peralta gear, but (I don't know if you notice) I've got Tony Hawk's first commercial deck (which I traded to this kid Brian for my brand-new Steve Caballero street deck, which was freaking huuuuuge, but which had much better trucks, wheels + bearings).

Anyhoo... oh wait, there's me thrashing again! Damn, I rocked! And that's not even a shot of my wicked street-ramp and half-pipe action! So anyway, why am I bringing up my history as the baddest-ass shred-monkey ever on four polyurethane wheels? I thought you'd never ask!

Bones Brigade III: The Search for Animal Chin (see photos above) has recently been released on Special Edition DVD. For anyone who doesn't know, this video (to quote the distributor's website) "is the most famous skate video in the history of skateboarding. Tony Hawk, Steve Caballero, Lance Mountain, Mike McGill and Tommy Guerrero search for the missing master, Animal Chin, who has gone underground because the sport is getting too commercial. Filmed at the peak of the Bones Brigade era in 1986/7 by Stacy Peralta, the original and still the premier skate video maker in the world."

The DVD also includes a brand spankin' new Making-Of documentary (reflecting on the skateboarding world of 20 years ago), deleted scenes, commentary tracks, and other DVD fun-ness. Being how I myself am in the business of making DVDs, and recently completed a full-length feature DVD for sportskool (a Video-On-Demand provider) featuring the old-school skate stylings of Mike Vallely (who actually cameos in Animal Chin), I found it completely appropriate to mention this release at this time.

I do find it a bit ironic that Animal Chin is supposedly all about anti-commercialization of the skateboarding industry, yet the company that made it was TOTALLY about commercializing the sport -- look at all of the bells-and-whistles and merchandise that they still, to this day, hawk to the newbies! No one uses rails, tailbones, nosebones, risers, or any of that outdated paraphernalia these days!

Whateva, it's still classic. And its release nicely, and quite strategically, coincides with... this holiday season! How very, very interesting!!! Hmmmm.....

The Yes Men and other Activist Crud

2005-11-15T09:07:00.000-05:00

I'm less of what you'd call an 'activist' and more of what is generally referred to as a 'passivist,' or 'someone who kinda just lets stuff happen to him and/or watches stuff happen to other people.' But I love reading about the exploits of kooky activists like The Yes Men, who came out with this documentary a few years back that is just freaking hilarious.

In short, these guys made a website that many international organizations mistook for the official website of the World Trade Organization (WTO). In effect, through their website, they were empowered with the credibility to impersonate flesh-and-blood WTO personnel at several economic conferences, and on CNN. The disturbing part is, no matter how outrageously they misrepresented the WTO (by, among other things, claiming that they had developed a device to control their Third-World sweatshop workers remotely through the usage of a gigantic golden schlong), they were not sniffed-out as impostors.

What's even cooler is that Mike Bonanno, one of the Yes Men, is actually the creator of the Barbie Liberation Organization (see their PDF about how to switch voice-chips in kids' dolls here), a pioneering culture-jamming project from the 90's which is documented in Sonic Outlaws, which I can't find on DVD anywhere, just on crummy VHS.

Anyway, if you like the above stuff (which I highly recommend renting or looking into), you should check also out Adbusters magazine. And if wanna be all old-school about it, you can participate in the 2005 National Buy Nothing Day, which is coming up on November 25. Now that's my kinda activism -- where you do something by not doing something. Kinda like Shabbos...

Miscellaneous Grab-Bag

2005-11-09T09:41:00.000-05:00

In no particular order, here are today's fun linx:

• Saul Rubinek (pictured above) is a Jewish actor who was born in a German refugee camp in WWII. First saw him in Unforgiven as the erstwhile biographer of the Duke of Death (Duck, I says). Recently saw him in The Quarrel, where he plays a Holocaust survivor who becomes a Rosh Yeshiva in Montreal. However, my favorite role of his would have to be the big-shot Hollywood producer/coke fiend in True Romance, where, in response to a fellow motorist who flicks him the bird, he shouts, "Don't give *me* the finger! I'll fucking have you killed!!!"

• Y'all heard about the largest wireless cloud in all of history? It's in Oregon of all places! (hat-tip to Yehoshua, who, for the record, I think should start a blog called "The Shiboles Nerd")

• This is a kooky site devoted to other people's conversations in New York City. While there is no way that they could verify contributions to their site, it all still seems pretty true-to-life, and pretty darn funny. (hat-tip to Jewschool)

• Another Jewschool hat-tip: Are you a Jewish artist/teacher? If so, check out this opportunity now.

• Last but not least: my holy father Reuven's site (under construction) where he showcases his coin collection, his knowledge of American history and numismatics, as advertised in the December issue of Coin World Magazine!!!

Mr. Jew-niverse

2005-11-02T16:32:00.000-05:00

Looks Jewish, don't he? That guy up there with the flowers and the big shnozz? He keeps popping up in my favorite media! He has cameos in Freaks and Geeks (as a sexy Jewish college boy) and Serenity (as the technophilic, android-humping "Mr. Universe" pictured above), and now, just last night, I see him in Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle (which, incidentally, was written by two Jewboys named Schlossberg + Hurwitz, and which had me peeing-in-my-pants laughing the whole time).

Well, his name is David Krumholtz. He is Jewlicious. In fact, in my humble opinion, Jewlicious should do a thing on him (if they haven't already), because he is out there frontin' our peeps by, among other things, taking hits from a bong crafted out of a shofar. And, as I mentioned previously, humping androids.

Now if I can just get him to play a bearded chassidishe ba'al teshuva in a radical West Bank yeshiva in the 90's...

Yogurt-Flavored Cheese

2005-10-31T21:41:00.000-05:00

Is there anyone on G-d's green earth who thinks that a product called "Yogurt Burst Cheerios" sounds appetizing? Just imagine... biting into a mouthful of what you think are inocuous litte crunchy-O's, but instead, you get a sickeningly warm, moist-and-sploochy mouthful of soft Cheerio-esque material that has been suffused with... YOGURT?!?!!!

Eyyyyyyyuchh-tza!!!!!!!

No freaking wonder General Mills needed to create this clever internet karaoke machine (which requires the Flash plug-in and a touch-tone phone) to hawk such a barfalicious product!

I sang this song for my wife Sarah, who is currently in L.A. for two weeks with her parents, leaving me here in NYC to eat frozen pizza and watch movies by myself... *sob*... I really wish that General Mills had offered a broader selection of songs, but somehow, in the bitterness of my solitude, their selection (Michael Bolton's "How Am I Supposed to Live Without You?") expresses my soul's deepest sorrows far better than anything else I could have chosen myself...

So, So Assur...

2005-10-28T15:20:00.000-04:00

... but oh, so right...

Yup, the following three things are forbidden, if not m'Deorita, then definitely m'Drabbanan:

1) Celebrating Halloween,
2) Getting shikker and fraternizing with non-Jews,
3) Dressing up like a Franciscan monk with a huge-ass crucifix around my neck.

Butchya know what?

I had a hard Tishrei. I've been doin' mitzvahs straight-up for a whole freakin' month -- I freakin' deserve to cut loose a little.

Plus, it made everyone from my office laugh like hell.

Happy Hallow--- I mean, Gut Shabbos.

(Also pictured: Ofer, posing as Baron Samedi, and Ingrid Mody, who is patently not offended by my costume)

Rent Is Too Damn High

2005-10-23T10:49:00.000-04:00

The 2005 NYC General Election is coming up in a couple of weeks, and I just got my Voter Guide in the mail. Among the candidates for Mayor of New York City: Mike Bloomberg (R), Fernando Ferrer (D), and Jimmy McMillan (RTD).

(RTD) = Rent is Too Damn High Party.

Bloomberg says, "We must preserve the quality of life, keep unemployment down, bring up test scores in the schools." Ferrer says, "We must provide an affordable lifestyle for all New Yorkers, and improve Education."

McMillan says, "Rent Is Too Damn High. There is Nothing More To Talk About."

I'd been waiting for someone to cut through all the crap and tell me what I wanted to hear!!! Finally, after all those hours (okay, minutes) of searching, I'd found my candidate!!!

Or so I thought, until I looked at his party's official website, which invokes the International Jewish Conspiracy as the indubitable source of Rent Being Too Damn High.

Sheesh... talk about a letdown!!!

I may still vote for him, though, if his DVD gets here before November 8. His website says that it's "Available Soon," so I'm hoping Papa Smurf gets it together before then...

Second Chances...

2005-10-11T14:29:00.000-04:00

That's right, pals and gals, it's time for The Pig of Death's first-ever words of Torah!!!

What's the occasion, you ask? After all, I know you've been waiting in nail-biting anticipation for my official review of Serenity (the first 9 minutes of which you can stream FULLSCREEN via a kick-ass new web-video codec developed by a company called Vividas), and I know you've been dying for a link to a really kickin' new song by Ethiopian artist Ejigayehu Shibabawat that a friend at work helped to remix...

So why, all of a sudden, would I force my loyal readership to consider serious and/or deep thoughts on the nature of the universe when I should be seductively plying them with the literary/pop-cultural wiles to which they have become so solipsistically accustomed?

The short answer: The Day of Atonement looms forebodingly ahead and I'd like to make whatever teensy-tinsy step towards repentance that I still can, allright?!? Honestly, people, can't you just shut up and read the damn davar Torah before I change my mind?!?!? Sheezis...

SECOND CHANCES
(Paraphrased Extensively from R. Avi Weiss' Rosh Hashana Discourse at the Hebrew Institute of Riverdale, October 5, 2005)

The dinosaurs didn't get a second chance, but the X-Men did.

All day on Rosh Hashana, we say over and over, "Hayom Har'at Ha'olam," or "Today the world was created." But which world was it that was created -- the antediluvian world of the dinosaurs, or the postdiluvian world of the X-Men?

Regardless of the "real" answer to that question, we know that Rosh Hashana commemorates the creation of human beings, who live in the postdiluvian world of the X-Men (which is not to say that we are all mutants with superhuman powers (though some of us undoubtedly are)). We live in this world because G-d, after his famous decision to destroy the world with an enormous flood (one which He seems to be revisiting in miniature lately all over the world), decided that humankind really was a worthwhile project, and that we could continue developing. Thus, through Noah, version 2.0 of planet Earth commenced.

Fast-forward to Mount Sinai. Moses goes onto the mountain to get the 10 Commandments. He comes down, and the children of Israel are feasting, frolicking and fornicating (the three F's) next to an enormous golden Cow. Moses is uber-pissed and breaks the tablets into tiny pieces. G-d is uber-UBER-pissed and says, "No WAY are they getting a second chance!!!" Moses basically convinces Him to go back on that one (and 10 points goes to whoever can tell me on which day it was that G-d changed his mind).

Then the Jewish people merit to go into the land of Israel 40 years later. Then they asses get kicked clear to Babylonia. 70 years hence, they once again merit entry into the Land. Many Sages® say that their second entry into the Land was the "eternal" one, and that all subsequent returns (i.e. after 1948, etc.) are really just continuations of that second entry, in approximately 568 BCE.

It's all about second chances, baby. G-d keeps giving the world, humankind, and the Jewish people second chances to get it right.

This of course begs the obvious question: what's a "perfect" G-d need to do things twice fer? Why make the dinosaurs only to destroy 'em and leave their bodies to decompose and become... fossil fuel... okay maybe I answered that one... but seriously, WHY'S G-D ALWAYS DOING THINGS TWICE?

I think it's a universal truth that when we invest ourselves in revisiting something (or someone), it's usually because we are interested in a deeper level of relationship with them. It's usually because we want to surmount the problem that drove us away the first time around in order to explore further into that thing's (or person's) potential compatability with us. Also, it's because the deepest and strongest love that exists in this world is the love which has been stretched out like a rubber band and snapped back into your face.

Which love is deeper -- the love of newlyweds, who are as itchin' to get into each others' pants as they are ignorant of the other's faults, or the love of great-granparents whose relationship has spanned half-a-century of letdowns, disappointments, failures, lovers' spats, bad moods, and horrendous B.O.?

According to Rabbi Weiss, G-d gives us all these second chances because our flaws and mistakes are what He loves most about us. Our flaws and mistakes are what us enable us to serve Him in the truest way, in a way that even the Angels cannot serve Him -- from a place of need, from a place of lacking, from a place of imperfection that strives towards perfection. Rebbe Nachman calls this place the reshimas haBitul, the "impression of nullification," referring to the cosmic "pocket" within each of our souls that contains the most profound yearning and longing for G-d, that special place which is "nullified" or "incomplete," the place from which our flaws and mistakes originate. How could G-d not love that special place within us, from which the deepest longing and yearning for Him emanate?

Anyway, Rabbi Weiss took this in different directions, but his overall message was that G-d gives us second chances in order to have a relationship with us that is based on our true selves, and not on first impressions. I want to bless all of my readers (and myself) with a Yom Kippur in which we are able to look fondly and lovingly upon ourselves and our fellows, in which we can dismiss our judgements of their mistakes and flaws as much as possible and look upon them as G-d does -- with love for the potential of their true selves.

G'mar Chasima Tova.

Who IS... Sarah Silverman?????

2005-10-10T13:47:00.000-04:00

Yup. My wife and a famous comedienne (whose cleavage currently graces the October issue of Heeb Magazine) share the same name, but only one of them is Shomer Shabbos. Guess which one!!!

Check out the trailer for Silverman's crass-looking, vulgarity-and-epithet-strewn new movie (if you're easily offended, don't say I didn't warn ya). Be sure to note the poetic device through which Gary Busey's name assumes insane, hilarious new levels of nasty.

Also, check out my pal Stu's article that he submitted to Salon a few years back, which reawakened me to the depths of his sheer literary nuttiness, by following this link right over here. It refers to one "Sarah Silverman," who was at that time just a sassy young upstart with some writing credits and a one-man Broadway show.

Thanks to Big Daddy Z for starting me on this. And to my wife, whom I love.

Hard Day's Night

2005-09-30T09:44:00.000-04:00

I'm wiped today. Up late last night, tending to a cute (but inexplicably fussy) baby. Yeah, she's cute, but sometimes she just cries for no conceivable reason. And that keeps me up. That, my Snood addiction, and my idiotic desire to blog.

When I whined about it to Ofer this morning, he told me the following story, which was told to him by an Israeli Arab:

In the Beginning, G-d handed out life-expectancies to all of the different species. To man, G-d decided that 20 years was enough.

When man heard about G-d's decision, he approached G-d. "20 years? That's nothin'! How about some more?"

G-d said, "Allright, fine. You can have 70, but I'll have to get another 50 years from somewhere!" So He swiped 30 years from the Donkey and 20 years from the Dog.

That way, man would live like man for the first 20 years, then for the next 30 he'd work like a donkey, and would have the last 20 to die like a dog!

'Course, the story probably sounds better spoken in Arabic-inflected Hebrew.

And on that cheerful, inspiring note, Good Shabbos!

Bathing Beauty!!!

2005-09-29T11:31:00.000-04:00

Naomi let go with the most massive load of crap last night. It got all over the place. No diaper could ever contain that much raw baby sewage... it's like it was waiting, waiting, waiting... then, BANG! All over her clothes, herself, Sarah's skirt. Unbelievable.

So we had to give her a bath. Here's the video (Quicktime required).

So. Freaking. Cuh-yute!!!

Yardley, Yardley, Blooga, Blaaga!!!

2005-09-27T00:54:00.000-04:00

For 3 years in a row, I went to Uman for Rosh Hashana.

In this 1998 self-portrait, I am sitting smack dab in the middle of the Sofiyivka Forest in Uman. In the hour preceding this photograph, I'd been attempting to engage the G-d of Abraham in some sort of cathartic screaming dialogue involving guilt, repentance, and semen (though not necessarily in that order). It wasn't going so well, as you can tell by the look of resignation emanating from beneath the large furry animal that had chosen, at that time, to settle its chestnut-brown carcass upon my face.

There's a song that the Breslover Hassidim sing when they go to Uman (which is the Ukrainian town in which their Rebbe, Nachman of Breslov, is buried). The lyrics are "Uman, Uman, Rosh Hashana; Uman, Uman, Rosh Hashana!!!" You don't have to be in Uman and it doesn't have to be Rosh Hashana when you sing it, but singing it at other times of the year is kinda like singing "Happy Birthday to You" on a day which isn't really your birthday -- it makes you seem kinda out-of-phase with the rest of the world.

Uman's inhabitants are mostly lower-class, post-Communist-era peasants from whom a crisp, new twenty-dollar bill might buy a week's worth of lodging, an entire month's supply of vodka, or even an astonishing selection of top-grade Ukranian booty (your choice). Everything has that "third-world bootleg" feel, down to the worn-out-looking Fila jumpsuits and gold-capped teeth that the grubby local youths proudly display as they leer and jeer at you from behind the proteksia of their own drunken stupors.

Modern pilgrimages to Uman started with Rabbi Gedaliah Fleer in 1961, but after the Iron Curtain came down in the late 80's/early 90's, more and more of Rebbe Nachman's followers started showing up every year -- in 1998, more than 10,000 Jews showed up, and the gatherings just keep growing. There's now a gi-normous shul, called The Kloiz, which is capable of holding 3,000-4,000 congregants in the same room. There's a hotel, a mikve, a kupat cholim (infirmary), a caterer... everything a good Jew needs to prepare to cry out from the depths of his shattered mortal soul on Rosh Hashana.

So I'm walking around the backwater Ukranian streets with my pal Gavriel (now Rabbi Gavriel, currently in Boulder, CO but originally from Yardley, PA), with no KFCs or Sbarros or even street signs to help orient us to our surroundings, when Gavriel spontaneously busts out singing a lyrical snippet from everyone's favorite Hassidishe musician:

A man walks down the street
It's a street in a strange world
Maybe it's the Third World
Maybe it's his first time around
He doesn't speak the language
He holds no currency
He is a foreign man
He is surrounded by the sound
Cattle in the marketplace
Scatterlings and orphanages
He looks around, around
He sees angels in the architecture
Spinning in infinity
He says Amen! and Hallelujah!

As we round the corner to the Main Street, we pass a throng of Fila-clad young ruffians, obviously enamored of the "Uman, Uman, Rosh Hashana" chorus they've been hearing day and night from the mouths of these strange, affluent, black-frocked, sidelocked tourists. One of them, passing by our group in a mock-jigging dance and mock-Hassidishe singing voice, parodies our strangeness by singing wildly, "Uman, Uman, LaLa, LaLa!!! Uman, Uman, LaLa, LaLa!!!!!!!!!"

As if to say, "What the hell is so special about our trashy little toilet of a village, you unbelieveable idiots? Some Hassidic dude dies here 200 years ago, and you decide to party your asses of on our main street because of it?!?!?"

Gavriel's like, "Imagine if you had a bunch of freaky-looking Ukranians coming to your hometown, throwing some huge freakin' party in your backyard and singing the name of your city over and over and OVER again -- 'Yardley, Yardley, Blooga, Blaaga!!! Yardley, Yardley, Blooga, Blaaga!!!!!!!' You'd probably be freaked out, too."

(to be continued)

"I'm a Writer...!"

2005-09-26T16:50:00.000-04:00

A self-proclaimed Orthodox woman playwright visited our home for Shabbos lunch. One of the questions she asked me over the course of our meal was, "If you could drop everything and write what exactly what you wanted to write, forget about money or deadlines, what would it be?"

The $84,000 question! I think I must have blurted something out like, "A TV show about a post-college American kid who goes to Israel and becomes a fiery ba'al teshuva at a radical West-Bank yeshiva designed for credit-card-hippy burnouts, set in the late 90's right before the second Intifada!"

...or... something like that. Actually, I may have mentioned mashing that idea up with something vaguely Freaks-and-Geeks-esque (with some Firefly and Six Feet Under stylings). Not bad for being put on the spot, huh?

Later, as we continued mulling over such a grandiose and unlikely TV-show premise, several big problems arose with the idea:

ONE: No network would ever finance it, and even if they did, it probably wouldn't make it past the pilot before Budweiser or Altria decided it was way too pro-Occupationistic or just plain pro-Semitic (which it wouldn't necessarily have to be),

TWO: Ditto for any of the Jewish companies who might finance it,

THREE: Who do you get to act in such a piece? Hollywood types playing grubby West Bank settlers, mysterious, mystical Rabbi figures, dreadlocked Jewish expatriate kids, Palestinian Arabs? Would there even be Arab characters?

She encouraged me to write it anyway. I remain dubious about my own ability to write something requiring such complex and subtle characterizations, such in-depth knowledge of the political realities of late 90's Israel, and such technical know-how (i.e. a TV pilot with all the requisite getting-to-know-you and setting-you-up-for-the-future), but it may be worth it, if only as an excercise, to keep my creative impulses alive during the humdrum of my corporate life.

Also, who knows... maybe someone will read it and want to produce an independent feature from it...

I can still dream, can't I?

"Everybody's Got a Past..."

2005-09-15T14:38:00.000-04:00

If you look closely at the various images portrayed in the mosaic above, you will discern the pretty face of yours truly in various states of consciousness/attire, acting the lead in a variety of low-budget psychological horror films made during my high school years by an obscure (and now defunct) production company called "Q&A Productions."

In The Skinny Clown, my character was a lovelorn photographer who, instead of passionately making out with the girl of his fantasies, takes pictures of her. At the end of the movie, the girl tells him that he looks like a clown. He stabs her and leaves her sitting alone to die at a coffeeshop. He then walks outside and smokes a cigarette.

In the black-and-white Sweet Pickles, my character ruminates on his strained relationship with his father and on the nature of cruelty, all while cavorting about in a bathroom wearing nothing but a pair of tighty-whiteys and a misshapen cowboy hat. In bitterness and frustration, he punches the wall, causing a framed picture of his father to shatter into a million pieces on the floor. While cursing himself, his father, and his bleeding fist, a shard of glass punctures his foot, and he slips in a puddle of his own blood, uncontrollably cracking his skull wide open on the bathroom counter. He dies, whimpering and alone, on the cold, hard plasticine floor.

In the music video Are You Ready? my character picks up a hooker and brings her back to a hotel room. She decides that he looks like a clown and will not sleep with him. He beats her senseless on the bed, then goes into the bathroom to wash up. As he looks into the mirror, the face of his grandfather stares back at him with an inexplicable look of conviviality. Featuring a cameo of my real-life grandfather, David Silverman z"l.

In Hey There, Jive Turkey! my character Ike meets up with a buddy to discuss his personal problems -- his girlfriend is cheating on him. Throughout the conversation, we learn that Ike is a depraved pervert who doesn't actually respect or care about his girlfriend or the buddy with whom he is talking. That's OK, though, because we discover gradually that the buddy is the one who's having the affair with Ike's girlfriend, right under his nose.

Remember, everyone, this was high school...

Why do I bring any of this up at such a seemingly random and/or inappropriate moment (it being Elul, the month of repentance and all)? Well, because the director/pal with whom I made all of these magnum opuses (opae?) just reappropriated/recontextualized a bunch of those old videos for a gallery opening that he recently did in Tampa. And supposedly he'll be sending me some video documentation. So stay tuned for some potentially sick shit, y'all, if you think you can handle it.

I'm not actually sure if I myself can, to be honest.

"Take My Love, Take My Land..."

2005-09-13T14:57:00.000-04:00

We don't own a TV in our house. The devil's soapbox, we're prone to call it.

But we do have a DVD player. And high-speed internet. One way or another, in our home or in someone else's, our new daughter's impressionable little mind will become slowly yet thoroughly inundated with Scratch's barbed missives.

Whatev. At least she'll be able to watch Firefly. And by the time she's able to understand it, the movie version will long be into sequels...

Serenity premieres in 17 days. Last time I ventured forth to the cinema, it was for the depressingly mediocre Star Wars conclusion. I've got a feeling I won't be nearly as disappointed this time...

(Thanks to Esther at My Urban Kvetch for putting the Firefly DVD set on her Amazon Wish List -- goes to show ya, you never know where you'll strike gold...)

New Bands, Old Pals

2005-08-30T19:57:00.000-04:00

I used to have a band. We were called Wükiee. We had two songs. We ruled.

I have a lot of friends who play musical instruments in bands. Some are really, really old friends, some are moderately old friends (i.e. Gainesville-era), and some aren't really friends at all -- they're assholes that I've always hated, but their bands happened to have reached a level of success far beyond that of Wükiee. But I guarantee that I've spoken to every single person on this list in a peer-to-peer way, not in a would-you-autograph-my-genitalia type way. And at least 2/3 of them rule, so let's scare up some net traffic for 'em now, shall we?

The Feral Kid
ACQUAINTANCE: Brett Hamil (tenor sax)
LENGTH OF ACQUAINTANCE: 21 years
DESCRIPTION OF MUSIC: Thinking Fellers meets Polvo meets Morphine meets Henry Mancini's bastard stepnephew
ANECDOTE: Brett and I started Crud Magazine together in the fifth grade. Then we wrote a collaborative opus entitled Milton Abernathy:Tales of an American Loser, as well as many other sadistic stories, throughout middle and high school. Good times. Check out more of his art here.

Fifth Year Crush
ACQUAINTANCE: Jason Walls (vocal/guitars)
LENGTH OF ACQUAINTANCE: 15 years
DESCRIPTION OF MUSIC: Gin Blossoms meets Candlebox meets Screaming Trees
ANECDOTE: Jason was a genuinely nice guy, but he was Liz's boyfriend, so I called him "Ratboy." Sorry, Jay.

Biirdie
ACQUAINTANCE: Jared Flamm (vocal/guitars)
LENGTH OF ACQUAINTANCE: 11 years
DESCRIPTION OF MUSIC: Elliot Smith meets Yo La Tengo meets Velvet Underground...?
ANECDOTE: Flamm (pictured on far left) was probably one of the most obnoxious fellow Heebs I met during my time at the University of Florida. The fucker defrosted his dorm-room mini-fridge on my carpet, quite unapologetically.

Holopaw
ACQUAINTANCE: Jeff Hays (Guitars, Pedal Steel, Keyboards, Vocals)
LENGTH OF ACQUAINTANCE: 11 years
DESCRIPTION OF MUSIC: Folk/Country/Organic-Electro/Breezy/Tumbleweedy/Echoey
ANECDOTE: Always made great music, and was always a sweetie. Their albums are really spooky and beautiful.

Snowglobe Records
ACQUAINTANCE: Mark Griffey (CEO)
LENGTH OF ACQUAINTANCE: 11 years
DESCRIPTION OF MUSIC: All kinds of tucked-away, indie-pop gorgeousness
ANECDOTE: Mark has always favored the obscure and hidden in independent music, and has always been a pioneering cratedigger. He recently sent me a CD compilation of some of his old bands' compositions -- totally for free!

Eden MiQedem
ACQUAINTANCE: Sh’muel Nahum (vocals, guitars)
LENGTH OF ACQUAINTANCE: 6 years
DESCRIPTION OF MUSIC: Classical Bedouin/Arabic/Middle-Eastern meets the book of Psalms meets 60's/70's psychedelia meets synth-driven electronica
ANECDOTE: Sh'muel's William Shatner sends me over the edge, and his pronunciation of Yemenite Hebrew is utterly flawless.

I leave anyone out? Speak up, now!

Unfocused...

2005-08-30T09:33:00.000-04:00

Finding it harder and harder to focus on stuff these days.

So I typed "Unfocused" into Google Image Search, and it gave me a picture of the Giant from Twin Peaks (played by Carel Struycken).

I clicked on the picture, and it brought me to this guy's blog, where I found a link to the Which Twin Peaks Character Are You? quiz, which yielded the following results for me:

You're Agent Albert Rosenfield (played by Miguel Ferrer, pictured above), the snide and superior forensics expert. Your tongue is sharper than your scalpel, and it doesn't take long for people to start hating you for your supercilious quips, but you are the very best at what you do. You don't suffer fools gladly, but you give respect when it's due. In fact, you're a good guy at heart, but so wedded to your sarcasm that you can rarely stand to treat people kindly.

Sounds like me, I guess. Maybe.

My Hometown...

2005-08-26T14:15:00.000-04:00

Amazing. Note the ad for a free X-Box below the announcement of the most grisly ~~bears~~ murders Volusia county had ever seen (which, as you will recall, revolved around a stolen X-Box console).

It's been a year since this story hit.

My pal Clifford (and no, he's not a fucking big red dog, allright) has invited me to write for a project that some of his pals are working on called Scream If You Want It. Perhaps I shall write something about the above X-Box murders which, after all, occurred in my hometown of Deltona.

Perhaps I will start doing research here.

Props to Stu for sending the above JPG to me, but if this doesn't constitute a flagrant refusal of his duly designated homework assignment to this blog, then I'll eat my yarmulke.

Shabbat Shalom!

Hope My Wife Never Feels Like This

2005-08-24T10:04:00.000-04:00

Don't let this happen to you. Quicktime required.

Hat-tip to Jens for this one.

Crying Real Tears

2005-08-14T01:15:00.000-04:00

My friend Todd has cousins who live in Netzer Hazani, the Gush Katif settlement shown above that is slated for "dismantlement" in a few days, along with all of the other Jewish yishuvim in Gaza. Todd's cousins' names are Stuart and Anita Toker. They are members of the original nine families that first moved in to Gush Katif back in the mid-70's, at the encouragement of the Israeli government.

I visited them several times during my 4.5 year jaunt in Israel. Their land, their home, their community, their farms, and their families were inspirational on too many levels to describe here. Suffice it to say, I saw vines of cherry tomatoes growing straight out of a hill made of nothing but fine white sand. Who the hell has ever even tried to accomplish something like that in the entire scope of agricultural history?

Anyway, here is an article in Haaretz about some of the people down there that I read out loud to my wife this evening, after we came back from 9th-of-Av services. It made me cry, and not for the first time, about what is happening with our people.

Above is Anita, who is quoted in the article (which is long, but well worth the read) giving the most unbelievable statement of emunah (faith):

"I have lived here for 29 years. And in every one of those 29 years, they came and told me that next year I would not be here. Every year they asked me, Anita, where will you go. And for all those 29 years I have replied to whoever has asked that with God's help, he will come here next year and ask me the same question. I am not blind. I know that this time it is different. It is closer. But look around. Everything is growing here. The settlement is alive. And I am a believing person. Every farmer is a believer. So last week I planted 10,000 celery seedlings. This week I will plant another 10,000. I still believe."

Some people will say, "That's not faith -- that's idiocy!" I can't rightly say I know what it is, but having met Anita, and having experienced Netzer Hazani personally, I hope that she is right.

The pain that I feel for the citizens of Gush Katif is heart-rending, but it is nothing compared to what they themselves are feeling right now. I am not one to get broken-up over political matters -- but, for some reason, this hits too close to home for me to keep silent and objective.

I have no solutions, no proposals for what the "correct" course of action should be for Israel to eliminate terrorism and live in safety and peace. I just know that this particular course of action feels devastatingly wrong to me. It's just a feeling. It's not a political viewpoint gleaned from reading all the papers or having an exhaustive knowledge of Middle-Eastern politics, or even from having served in the Israeli armed forces. It's just a feeling, and it could be wrong. But I don't think it is.

Bar's Random Rantless Emes (Vol. 12)

2005-08-11T14:03:00.000-04:00

• Rebbie Wear

• Jewish Hasidic Rapper from Montreal.

• Brain-Machine - Mind Control is here!

• Torah Ties

• Sharon's Head Bandage from Yom Kippur War - was for sale on Ebay, but I don't see it on now....

• Batman and The Thing are Jewish??

• A spiritual journey with Rabbi Lazer Brody.

• Finally -- Fight Your Yetzer Hara with Pills!!!

Happy #2 Atara! Bar's son Yechezkel is the little one next to her.

Naomi Batsheva's Baby Naming

2005-08-08T22:29:00.000-04:00

1) Grandma Rita (aka Great-Grandma) meets Naomi for the first time. Sarah (proud mother) watches. I've been waiting a long time to have a picture like this.

2) Great-Grandma and Naomi share the love.

3) Zadie Reuven (Chazarmaveth's esteemed father) meets Naomi. Instantaneous love.

4) Mom-Mom Renee (Chazarmaveth's lovely mother) reads Naomi's brainwaves using her ESPN.

5) Proud Mama Sarah getting Naomi ready to receive her name, finally.

6) The Gansa Mishpacha doing a "Blessing of the Children," using the good ol' "Priestly Blessing" formula that we all know and love. Especially us Levites.

7) The Pig of Death himself, telling everyone why in G-d's Holy Name we chose the name that we chose for our daughter (more on that below).

8) Georgia Rose, our midwife, who freaking rules. We love you Georgia!!! Thank you so much!!! On Georgia's lap: Bar's 2-year old cutie, Atara. In Atara's lap: plastic baby from my contest photo. Also pictured: Emma, a nursing student, aspiring midwife, and our ersatz doula for the birthing -- thanks also so much!!!

9) Naches, naches and more naches....

And now for a word about the name (for those who didn't remember, it's Naomi Batsheva, which looks like this in Hebrew: נעמי בת-שבע):

We named her Naomi (which is pronounced "Nah-oh-mee," even though we thought it was pronounced "Nah-ah-mee" at first, but which will probably be pronounced "Nay-oh-mee" by most everyone in the U.S.) because the Hebrew root of her name, spelled with Hebrew letters Nun(נ)/Ayin(ע)/Mem(מ), means "pleasant," "beautiful," or "nice." When you meet someone for the first time in Israel, you would say "Nice to meet you" or "Enchanted" by saying Na'im me'od, or, literally, "Very pleasant (to meet you)," which uses the same root as "Naomi." Also, the Biblical Naomi was instrumental in initializing the Messianic bloodline through which the Jewish people and the world will eventually be redeemed, according to the prophecies of yore. See more details in the Book of Ruth. Anyway, we chose this name, quite simply, because our daughter is so pleasant and beautiful to us, thank G-d.

We gave her a second name of Batsheva, spelled with the Hebrew letters Bet(ב)/Taf(ת)/Shin(ש)/Vet(ב)/Ayin(ע), which translates literally as "Daughter of Seven" or "Daughter of Oath," because:

1) She was born on the Sabbath, the seventh day of the week. Thus she is a "daughter of the seventh day," or a Bat(בת - daughter) Sheva(שבע - seven).

2) She was also born on Parshas Matos, a section of the Torah that deals with the laws concerning various forms of oaths. A שבע is a type of oath.

3) Bathsheba is also a Biblical character whose bloodline directly contributes to our eventual Messianic redemption. That's two for one, babay!

4) Most importantly, the name comes from my beloved grandmother, Basha bas Feigl (may her memory be always for a blessing), who passed away less than two months ago at the age of 86. Her name, Basha, is the Yiddish diminutive of Batsheva. I am so thrilled that we could give our new daughter a link to her family and to my wonderful grandmother through this name.

That's it. It's 12AM and I hope I still have a job when I get to Creative Bubble tomorrow...

Mazal tov, mazal tov, mazal tov. Thanks so much to everyone who came to the baby naming, and to everyone else who has called, sent gifts, food, support and so much of their love over the past week -- we love you all very, very much!!!

And the Winner Is.....

2005-08-08T11:59:00.000-04:00

(drum roll please............)

Naomi Batsheva bat Sarah Elana v'Yermiyahu sh"lita!!!

Sadly, none of you quite called the name. However, that doesn't mean your dear ol' DeathPig won't make good on his promises of fame, fortune and wealth to ~~all three of~~ his adoring fans -- quite the contrary, in fact! Here, in a particular order, are the LUCKY WINNERS of a free rant on The Pig of Death!!!

1) Best Male First Name
WINNER: HouseOfJoy
ENTRY: "Nebuchadnezzer"
REASON: You can call him Nebuch for short. 'Nuff said.

2) Best Female First Name
WINNER: great gramma
ENTRY: "Esmerelda Gukenfitch, Jr."
REASON: I gotta give my Gramma a prize just for entering, don't I?!?

3) Best Hebrew First Name
WINNER: mara
ENTRY: "Achimot"
REASON: Translation: "My Brother is Death." That's almost as good as "Courtyard of Death!" Thanks Mara, however you found us!
CLOSE SECOND: "Achipelet," or "My Brother is a Fugitive." So good!

4) Best English First Name
WINNER: MCA
ENTRY: "Shlumpa Snarfblatt"
REASON: Ummm.... that is English, isn't it?

5) Best Middle Name
WINNER: Yehoshua
ENTRY: "Sh'fufam"
REASON: Just say it in your head a couple of times.... that's it.... now out loud.... go ahead.... fun, ain't it?

6) Name With the Highest Potential of Actually Being Used
WINNER: HouseOfJoy again!
ENTRY: "Tifereth"
REASON: It's a very beautiful name, no pun intended. Maybe for the next girl, Beth!

7) Name We Would Never In A Million Years Give To Our Worst Enemies (yemach sh'mam v'zichram)
WINNER: Stu
ENTRY: "Stuart Siegel Silverman"
REASON: Nothing personal, Stu. It's just that we wouldn't in a million years give that name to our worst enemies (yemach sh'mam v'zichram)

8) Most Laughable Attempt At Trying To Amuse Us
WINNER: anonymous
ENTRY: "Menachem Mendel"
REASON: Let's not get me started, shall we? Anonymous, come on dowwwwn!

9) Honorable Mention (best usage of Hebrew Gutturals)
WINNER: Moish Geller, via Yehoshua
ENTRY: "Whatever 'Ayin-Chet-Ayin' spells when pronounced by a Yemenite Jew"
REASON: Go ahead -- you try pronouncing it!

RULES FOR CLAIMING PRIZES: Send us an e-mail here within the next 264 hours (i.e. before Shabbos Nachamu, August 20, 2005) confirming your intention to participate. Failure to confirm participation will result in disqualification (supplies are limited, after all). Limit one entry per winner (multiple winners excluded -- meaning yes, Beth, you can submit two entries if you like). Participants may write about whatever the hell they want. Short stories are great. So are shameless self-promotional gimmicks, rants/raves about something Jewish, and links to obscure websites that rock. I'm giving you my soapbox here, people. Do me proud.

All entries should be sent to the preceding e-mail address by Rosh Chodesh Elul, September 5, 2005 (after that, you should be concentrating on teshuva, nu?) Your e-mail entry should contain the following items:

• Byline or Title (No longer than 50 characters (spaces included))
• Image (as JPG, PCT, TIFF or GIF -- be creative! Animated GIFs rule!)
-- Disclaimer: All images will be automatically resized to 400x300 px
• Main body text (please format for HTML if possible)
-- Note: entry must not exceed 1500 words
• Hat-tip, if you found your subject on someone else's blog (not required, but definitely mentchy).

CONGRATULATIONS WINNERS!!! And thanks to all of our contestants!

Isn't She Lovely???

2005-08-02T00:01:00.000-04:00

And no, we are not naming her "Aisha," so don't even ask.

The official Baby-Naming will be Monday, August 8th, at the Hebrew Institute of Riverdale.

There are some more pics in a PDF slideshow that you can download here.

If your browser can't view it, then download the most recent version of Adobe Acrobat here.

Dang I'm busy! And tired!

Hey! Ho! Welcome To My Crib, Yo!!!

2005-07-30T23:40:00.000-04:00

Mazal tov mazal tov mazal tov! Here's our gangsta baby, yo! It's a girl!

Born: 23 Tamuz 5765 (July 30, 2005) at 12:57AM EST in New York City
Weight: 6 lbs. 8 oz.
Length: 20 in.
Name: TBA

Below is the proud Mom-Mom, kvelling like crazy:

Send us props, G! We got us some mad cuteness in da heyyyouse!!!

The Wish Power Are Together With You

2005-07-29T08:46:00.000-04:00

Oh my Lord is this ever funny.

The above is the first in a series of screenshots from a bootleg DVD of Revenge of the Sith that someone named Jeremy, who happens to be in Bangkok, scored on the street shortly after the film came out in theaters. In his words (reposted on a blog called Matthew in Beirut):

i saw revenge of the sith last weekend at a local theater with my friend joe who was in town on business. it was much better than the first two movies and a fitting end (err.. middle) to the star wars saga. the next day i was walking past my friendly dvd salesperson and decided to check out revenge of the sith. i was assured the quality was good and for 7rmb why not give it a shot. aside from the counters on the top of the screen and a distorted perspective it was ok- not high quality but watchable. the captions were a hilarious surprise- a direct english translation of the chinese interpretation of what the script was saying. it varied from being somewhat close to the script to being 'far far away'....

My beautiful wife (who is quite nerve-rackingly close to childbirth now, he said, digging around frantically for his catcher's mitt) recently bought me the Star WarsTrilogy DVD Set that I had requested on my birthday wish list, and we've been watching it. That's why this post is shayach to my life right now, besides the fact that it's funny as all heckfire.

(Thanks to Sef Gray, my badass IT man, for this link, yo!)

A Comment on Comments

2005-07-28T08:29:00.000-04:00

This girl's name is Elle. She has a relatively new blog called Bitch Pulled Out My Weave! I found it by hitting the "Next Blog" button on the Blogger® Toolbar displayed at the top right corner of my blog, like 50 or 60 times. Yes, I was bored. No, I do not recommend this as a way of web-surfing, as many of the "blogs" out there are actually perplexingly-configured advertisements for Viagra, usually in languages other than English.

Anyway, Elle. The reason I bring her up is threefold:

1) Even though she doesn't really write about things of any major importance, and her postings are usually NC-17, I must admit to occasionally enjoying them.

2) Look at how many comments each one of her posts generates!!!!!! They're in the hundreds, and they pour in every single day!!!!

3) I can't tell whether or not she is Jewish, but while rooting through her archives, I came up with a comment that could be construed as vaguely anti-Jewish (p.s. see Chazarmaveth's comment on aformentioned post, for your nice, daily dosage of whupass).

Anyway, I am mainly writing this in honor of Stu, who has been bitching and whining that no one posts comments on his blog, and has "threatened" to quit blogging altogether. Guess what Stu! Blogging ain't about the comments, son. It's about putting it out there, doing your own thing and not giving a damn if anyone else reads it. At least, that's what it's about for me.

Why don't you start blogging chapters of the story you were gonna start writing for me? Remember? The one about "sinkholes, videogaming consoles, multiple homicides, public-school pedophiles and rollerskating rinks?" C'mon man -- get back in the game!

(Update 9:52AM on the same day) -- allright, maybe she is Jewish (rooting a little further within the same post, I found a telling scrap of evidence). In which case, she gets to make aforementioned comments, I guess. Dang. There goes another shot at being self-righteous Defender of Our Nation...)

The Young and The Sexless

2005-07-26T09:45:00.000-04:00

(The above photo taken from a photo album that chronicles an I'm Worth Waiting For! event -- note that the girl on the left has a red sticker that proudly announces, "I'm Worth Waiting For!")

Been mulling over the following quotation I read in this article from the July issue of Rolling Stone concerning a "new trend" among hip Christian youth -- pre-marital abstinence!

From the article:

Anna Broadway (one of aforementioned abstinent youths) poured her frustration into her blog, Sexless in the City, and revisions of a dense essay on John Cusack movies she'd written in graduate school, The Cult of the Orgasm as Romantic Mysticism. "In a world that functionally operates on atheistic terms throughout most of its supposedly separate and autonomous spheres," she writes. "What kind of ecstasy is left us, even, but that which occurs in sexual release?" In the movies, she writes, secular romance leads only to orgasm, but the real answer to her question is, of course, Jesus.

I thought this was a cool idea (substituting the "Jesus" part for the Hebrew G-d, otherwise know as HaKadosh Baruch Hu), because it feels like a somewhat accurate assessment of the pop-culture sexuality that pervades every crack and crevice of our society. "Relationships" are the new religion, because the New Secularist cannot (at least, publicly) acknowledge that anything outside of the Human Experience could possibly exist or be relevant. Thus, Human Relationships are the most important foundation/format/structure of the New Secularism, with Orgasm as the highest possible culmination of success.

I'm not even going to pretend to try and scratch the surface of this extremely loaded topic here -- I just have a few thoughts, and a question:

• If you read this article, you can see all these Christian kids saying stuff like, "Remaining abstinent is counter-cultural; it's revolutionary; it resists and critiques the mainstream." You also see these kids being held up as paragons of the new ultracoolness, exactly because virginity is so against-the-grain these days.

• From the article: Sexual regulation is a means, not an end. To believers, the movement offers a vision grander even than the loveliness of a virgin: a fairy tale in which every man will be a spiritual warrior, a knight in the service of the King of Kings, promised the hand and the heart and, yes, the sexual services of a "lady." That is the erotic dream of Christian conservatism: a restoration of chivalry, a cleansing of impurity, a nation without sin, an empire of the personal as political.

• The above sounds quite Tolkien-esque to me, as well as Rebbe-Nachman-esque -- the whole "fairy tale" bit, the "spiritual warrior" bit, the "chivalry, cleansing of impurity, nation without sin." Pre-marital abstinence really is made to seem quite freaking cool, with an abundance of enormous, macrocosmic payoffs.

Are Jewish youth leaders/educators pursuing this tack with Jewish youth on an institutional level? Should they be? Does such a hashkafa actually work, or does it just set young people up to fall and then hate themselves for not having been "cool" enough to wait for marriage? I know that this topic has been beaten-to-death repeatedly over at Jewlicious, but after reading this article, I was like, "Why can't there be a Rolling Stone article about how ultracool and countercultural Jewish kids who don't have premarital sex are?" Is it because there are no such Jewish kids?????? Or is it because abstinence really just isn't cool if it's not associated with Jesus?

Name Our Baby and Win a Free Rant!!!

2005-07-25T12:18:00.000-04:00

(We're hoping for a bright mustard-colored baby like the middle one there)

Categories for this contest include:

1) Best Male First Name
2) Best Female First Name
3) Best Hebrew First Name
4) Best English First Name
5) Best Middle Name (Unisex names only)
5) Name With the Highest Potential of Actually Being Used
6) Name We Would Never In A Million Years Give To Our Worst Enemies (yemach sh'mam v'zichram)
7) Most Laughable Attempt at Trying To Amuse Us (any category)
8) Honorable Mention for Name with Best Usage of Hebrew Gutturals (any category)

Winners will receive, free of charge, one (1) post on The Pig of Death to rant or rave about whatever the hell they want! Talk about a shot at eternal fame here!!! Submit your entry today and beat the rush!!!

(Please Note: Contestants need not enter names for any particular category -- The Contest Master will sort all entries according to whichever category seems most appropriate. Please Also Note: Entries must be posted in the comments section of this blog in order to be considered for the contest. Personal e-mails in my Inbox will be automatically disqualified! Yet Another Final Note: Any parenthetical asides enumerating the merits/pitfalls of given names may in some cases exponentially increase contestants' chances of victory. Void where prohibited by law. Limited time offer. Good while supplies last. And please, for the love of G-d, don't try this at home.

Bar's Random Rantless Emes (Vol. 11)

2005-07-22T13:09:00.000-04:00

• Yidstock is happening this summer.

• Slide Show from the Gush Katif Rally in Times Square.

• A Rebbe With a Web Site.

• Thesis interrupted; The Dangers of Jewish Music.

• Lots of Jewish Music Audio including Shlomo Carlebach.

• Rock on; Mimaamakim's got a blog now.

Where To Settle?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

2005-07-22T08:53:00.000-04:00

Above are what appear to be my friends Simcha and Beth Shapiro and their kids, being greeted by a host of flag-waving Israeli soldiers, upon their making of Aliyah in July of 2003 with a whole bunch of other North American Jews.

I got the photo from the Nefesh B'Nefesh site. I was, in fact, looking for a picture of them -- and there it was! I'm so lucky!

Anyhoo, I was reading my friend MCA's article about his "Aliyah Dilemma," which got me thinking a whole lot about "what in G-d's name am I doing here in America???", when I noticed a link in his "Links" section to a blog called House of Joy. I was like, "Mmmmmm... sounds.... new-wavey. Hmmmrrrrrrr."

Turns out, it's Beth's blog! Freakin' A! And it's a famous blog, at that!

Wow. This has been a pretty Israel-focused week on The Pig of Death. I guess I just keep thinking, as fatherhood intevitably approaches, "Where can my kid get a good Jewish education that won't put his esteemed father and mother directly into the poorhouse? Where should we be thinking about buying a house? Where, after all these years of career-jumping, procrastinating and paying exorbitant rents without garnering a single dot of significant financial equity, do we want to settle?"

I can't go into all the pros/cons of Aliyah right now. I just know two more things:

1) Our friends Nava and Yehoshua are making Aliyah this summer (on the heels of the largest North American Aliyah in the history of the world), and I cannot envision our Jewish community in Riverdale rocking nearly as hard as it currently does without them. And that's saying a lot, as Riverdale, in all modesty, can definitely be counted among the top 5 most vibrant, vital and Israel-focused Jewish communities anywhere in the Diaspora. We just can't afford to settle here.

2) Ofer, the badass-Israeli-mofo-cum-design-legend, just got back from a two-week jaunt in Israel, tan as a leather strap and saying things like, "If you're going to make Aliyah, now is the time -- things are really good over there."

FraaaaaAAAAAAAAA!!!

The Real Pig of Death...

2005-07-21T10:46:00.000-04:00

... is painted on the "security wall" between "Israel Proper" and "Palestinian Whatever" near Bethlehem.

See it? Up there on the right? Squealing its oppressiveness over the rooftops of the Judean desert?

Joining the Death Pig is Eddie, sporting his "Statue of Liberty" pose... who knew Palestinian Arabs listened to Iron Maiden?!?

Check out more "Bread House" pics at WanderingStu, who, incidentally, rules.

My Only Post About the Disengagement

2005-07-20T12:33:00.000-04:00

I know what *she's* thinking...

"Boy, what I could really use right now is a nice, cool dip in the pool..."

I'm sorry, but someone who is forcibly removed by her own government's militia from the home that she's spent the last 30 years building, in whose backyard lies the remains of children and loved ones slain by the very same motherfuckers who will be inhabiting her vacated home is not going to give a single, pickled piece of donkey dung about the "luxurious style" of her post-relocation accomodations... she will be focused on one thing, and on one thing only, for the remainder of her days on this earth:

Revenge.

(Thanks to wanderingstu for the above article, to mentalblog for the picture, and to this article in The New Standard for giving me yet another way to think about this truly f-ed up situation, about which I am finding it more and more impossible to realistically choose a side).

"Rooftop Roots" RULES!!!

2005-07-20T11:37:00.000-04:00

I know it's already been out for a few weeks now (I'm so behind the times, it's kinda embarrassing -- as Goethe once said, "Once a man is thirty, he's as good as dead; it's best to kill him right away"), the above compilation represents, hands down, some of the best music being made by Jews out there today (David Lee Roth's cover of The Beatles' "Tomorrow Never Knows" notwithstanding). I'm not going to start an argument about what the definition of "Jewish" music is or is supposed to be -- this stuff is being made by Jews, it's got some Jewish themes, and it's on the bleeding edge. Kinda like me.

As far as I'm concerned, the existence of this music justifies the entire 2 years of the Joshua Venture -- I guess one nationally-relevant, culturally successful venture out of 16 total ain't bad! Uhhh... right? Guys? Hey, where'd everyone go?

Maybe I'm overstating the significance of this compilation. After all, I do have a weakness for mix tapes.

(Hat-tip to MCA for the Goethe quotation (and the 4th Hallmark birthday greeting) -- thanks Holmes!)

"I WAAAAANT MY CAAAAKE....!!!!!"

2005-07-19T15:51:00.000-04:00

Happy 30th Birthday to me. I want my cake.

I only say this, because I just learned that today, my birthday, July 19, is National Raspberry Cake Day. That, and I just bought myself the old Creepshow #1 Graphic Novel as a 30th birthday present. HaMevin Yavin regarding the connection between Creepshow and cake.

L'maveth!

(Update 5:41PM on the same day)

I've gotten so many nice e-cards from Hallmark.com today -- 3 in a row! This is what they look like:

The far-left one's from my Mom, the middle from my co-worker Jamie, the far-right from my old pal Shawn -- so nice to be remembered on my special day!

One more thing... try to win this Flash game, sent to me courtesy of my Grandma Rita -- freaking awesome.

Kosher Bed and Breakfast...?

2005-07-18T09:28:00.000-04:00

Above is my wife Sarah, 8.75 mos. pregnant, sitting out back of The Breakers, one of the most splendid oceanside mansions available for touring within the Newport, Rhode Island Historic Mansions Tour. "Holy Moley" is what I officially have to say about some of those "summer cottages" of the 19th century New England upper crust. Holy-freakin'-Moley.

Ummmmm..... yeah. You get the picture. The above ballroom, housed within William K. Vanderbilt's Marble House (built around 1890 for the lean, mean cost of $11 million, which is just a paltry $226 million in today's dollars (thanks to The Inflation Calculator for that calculation), is not just painted with gold-colored paint from your local Sherwin-Williams distributor. It is painted with 22-karat gold. Every fixture, wall panel, and flourish is coated, oh yes, coated in the stuff. It's like what the Golden Calf would have looked like if the Jews had decided to build an ornate Victorian Era ballroom instead of a calf. Or something like that.

Anyway, we stayed at New England's only Kosher Bed and Breakfast, The Admiral Weaver Inn (pictured in triptych below), which presumably owes its existence to the fact that the oldest place of Jewish worship in all of these great 50 states, The Touro Synagogue (pictured in monotych above), is right up the street. Yup, that's the synagogue to whose congregation President George Washington penned his famous (and aptly named) Letter to the Hebrew Congregation in Newport Rhode Island. Too bad the place was under renovation and covered completely in a construction tarp while we were there, rendering it untourable and rather eyesore-ish. But hey, whatever. The weather was perfect, and there was an eruv -- why should we complain?

Mmmmm.... yeah. "Vacation" at a Kosher Bed and Breakfast. 30% more expensive than other B&Bs. Personal mini-fridge in the corner of a quaint, neo-Italianate bedroom with wicker, brass and Shaker styled furnishings, and a distinct lack of complimentary shampoo in the tiny bathroom. Bring all your own food, except for breakfast, which is pancakes, eggs, fresh fruit, coffee (not that bad, really). Ersatz Shabbos meals in a cramped communal dining room with other Jewish people who, like you, came to get away from other Jewish people. It was nice, it was relaxing, we had a wonderful time, for real. But can you imagine, for a moment, being able to go out to a restaurant on Friday night? Or walking to shul without worrying what's in your pockets? Now, that's my idea of "vacation!!!" I know, I know... it's all just an elaborate pipe dream... but what else am I supposed to fetishize and yearn for, if not treif? Closeness to G-d or something?

Grandma and Gramps, A"H

2005-07-12T10:01:00.000-04:00

Above is the wedding picture of my father's parents, David and Bette Silverman, circa the early 1940's in Chicago. Together, they had 2 children, 4 grandchildren, and 5 (soon to be 6) great-grandchildren. They were married for 56 years before David passed away in 1997. Bette passed away last week, at the age of 86.

Grandma Bette's mother, Fannie Jaffe, came to America from Zhytomyr in the mid-1910's. Here she met and married Julius Stein, who fathered Bette and then took off, which seemed to be a popular thing to do among Jewish men at that time (my Gramps' father, Frederick Silverman, did the same damn thing to Gramps' mother). Among the jobs that Fannie took to support Bette, the one for which she was most well-known and beloved among her family members was at the Bunte Bros. Candy Company in Chicago. She was beloved for this because, well, she seemingly gave candy to everyone.

Grandma Bette grew up, started working retail in high-end ladies' apparel and met Grandpa Dave at some party, whereupon she decided that he was cute and accepted his invitation out for a date. Grandpa Dave subsequently became violently ill, and had his mother call Grandma Bette to reschedule the date. "Ummmmmmm.... okay," thought Grandma Bette, "his... mother.... is calling me to reschedule." She decided that, if nothing else, it definitely had "strange" appeal, so she went through with it. The rest, as they say, is history.

May their memory be for a blessing. I will always love and miss them.

Not Really Serious...

2005-06-30T09:12:00.000-04:00

Pictured above is a frostingless birthday cake, in the shape of a pig.

I love Google image search.

Anyway, there really is no need for any of my loyal readers to get me anything for my birthday, or for our baby -- I was just giving voice to the brainless consumerist fantasies that drift through my mind while I sit at my desk, being oppressed by The Man.

Our registries were really created for our family and our familys' friends, none of whom read this blog and all of whom have been extremely generous with us in the past. I would like to sincerely thank everyone who has called or e-mailed with offers, and I am sorry if I sent out mixed messages -- you are all the best, and I love you.

For real, though -- you should rent Freaks and Geeks. For really, really real.

Oh, and you should check out this kick-ass mash-up of Matisyahu and the Rolling Stones, courtesy of Jewschool (who I normally wouldn't link to, since their ringleader Mobius is a self-proclaimed "post-leftist anarchist," which translates, in my own humble estimation, as "intellectually insecure poseur" -- if only he didn't make such cutting edge designs and find so many outrageously cool links.)

I Am Turning 30 in Three Weeks...

2005-06-29T09:03:00.000-04:00

What's that you say? You wanted to buy me a 30th birthday present, but you couldn't decide what to get me, for lack of knowing what I wouldn't immediately throw out the window the minute after you left? You wanted to get me something that I actually might want to receive, and not something that you thought that I might want to receive?

Well, here's your shot, sucka! That's right! Here, in no particular order, is my customized wish-list of exorbitantly expensive 30th-birthday gifts, none of which I actually expect to receive from anyone, but which would make this whole 'transition' into the 3rd decade of my life (not to mention the other whole 'transition' into 'becoming a father', which will be happening after another month) much more enjoyable, tolerable and, let's face it, zany.

● Freaks and Geeks Deluxe Edition DVD Set (pictured above)
Retail Price: $120.00
Reason: If you grew up in the 1980's and you've never heard of this TV series, you are really missing out, and this is coming from a die-hard 80's nostalgia cynic. This series, which was cancelled after one season (which, I gotta admit, might be one of the reasons it has become so cemented in the pop-culture lexicon as a cult-favorite, where (in my opinion) it rightfully belongs), came out in 1999, when I was in such a deep anti-materialist, anti-Americanist, anti-anything-not-Rabbinically-sanctioned phase of my life that, had I seen it then, I woulda been all "Man, this show is just re-commodifying collective memories of the corporate consumerist dreamland developed for a secularized society bereft of true spiritual or moral leadership!!!!" But now, seeing it in 2005, on the eve of my 30th birthday, I'm all "Shut up Rabbi! Freaks and Geeks rules!!!!!!"
Special Note: This Deluxe Limited Edition 8-DVD set, which has hours of extras, a few booklets, special packaging and all kindsa other junk, is seemingly only available from their site, and only for a limited time -- though I haven't scoured the entire Internet, I could not find mention of the Deluxe Limited Edition on eBay or Amazon, so caveat emptor, as they say...

● Star Wars Trilogy DVD Set
Retail Price: $49.99
Reason: Aw, c'mon. Do I need a reason? Howsabout that 4th DVD?
Special Note: Yes, it's way more affordable, which is why my wife may already be getting it for me (shh!!! don't tell her I told you!), so check with me personally before picking this one up.

● James Burke's Connections DVD set
Retail Price: $149.99
Reason: (from their website) This ten volume series was made in 1978. By turning science into a detective story, James Burke creates a PBS television series that will fascinate students and adults alike. As the Sherlock Holmes of science, Burke tracks through 12,000 years of history for the clues that lead us to eight great life changing inventions -- the atom bomb, telecommunications, the computer, the production line, jet aircraft, plastics, rocketry and television. Burke postulates that such changes occur in response to factors he calls “triggers,” some of them seemingly unrelated. These have their own triggering effects, causing change in totally unrelated fields as well. And so the connections begin...
Special Note: File this gift under the "to be passed on and/or watched with aforementioned new child, when the time is right."

● Heritage: Civilization and the Jews DVD Set
Retail Price: $84.95
Reason: I had to have at least one Jewish DVD set on here. And this one looks like the best pick, even though I've never seen a single episode. I hear it's pretty good, and if I am going to try to make some sort of Jewish History Media Project at some point in my life (all specifics remaining heretofore undisclosed), I guess I should see what's already been done, and take it apart with my bare hands (which I unfortunately couldn't do with a rental copy).
Special Note: This also may be filed under the "to be passed on and/or watched with aforementioned new child, when the time is right."

● McSweeney's and The Believer Super Subscription Combo
Retail Price: $90.00
Reason: Because I need something to read while riding on the train every day, and McSweeney's Quarterly Concern is a great magazine chock-full of pop-cultural and literary nudge-nudge-wink-winks (and the hyphenated phrases that describe them). I've seen The Believer once or twice, and it's pretty darn great, and it comes out 6 more times a year than the Quarterly! C'mon people -- give me something I can pummel those Jews For Jesus freaks in the subway with!

● Wired Subscription
Retail Price: $20.00 (for 2-year subscription with free gift)
Reason: Allright, I'm a sucker, and this magazine is total brain candy... but what else am I supposed to read on Shabbos? Divrei Torah?

● Tickets for 2 to 'Avenue Q' on Tuesday, July 19 at 8PM
Retail Price: $207.00
Reason: It's my 30th birthday! What other reason do I need to see a Tony-winning Broadway show?

SPECIAL DISCLAIMER TO ALL PIG OF DEATH SHOPPERS:
Now, seriously. My wife and I would much prefer you to buy stuff off of our baby registries. Screw my birthday -- buy me a box of floss. Or a card. Seriously. We would really much prefer a carseat, stroller, or any of the other stuff we have registered for, because that sh*t is ex-pen-sive, if ya know what I mean. If you really want to buy me something, please leave a comment and I will contact you. Don't go flyin' off the hook tryin' to surprise me, now. Thanks.

Welcome Home Brother...

2005-06-27T09:33:00.000-04:00

Above (on the left) is a painting of the Beit HaMikdash with the word "Jerusalem" written in trippy script across the front, hanging up in the woods.

Yours truly designed + painted it. Now go ahead and say what you were already starting to say about how mamish beautiful and inspiring it is... Go ahead, I'll wait...

From the Jerusalem Camp website:

Every year since 1972, thousands of people have gathered together in the National Forest of America to pray for world peace on the 4th of July. Over the course of a month, hundreds of camps are built in the woods and meadows that surround the meadow where the day of prayer and celebration occurs. Every type of person you can imagine shows up. Many cultures and groups are represented, as well as thousands of young searching souls.

As one would expect, a large percentage of these people are Jewish. We build what has become famous as the Jerusalem Camp and Circkle K Kitchen. We provide Certified Kosher Organic food to the thousands. Each day we have Torah Classes singing and cooking lessons, give out Jewish literature and make real life connections with the many young people that are desperately seeking for some meaning in their life. We also provide free plane tickets to those who are willing to go to Israel and learn (Click here to view our promotional video).

I personally was never a dirty hippie freak, like the many thousands of young Jews who go to the national Rainbow Gathering every year, tho', to be completely fair, I did, at one point, have an incredibly long Chassidishe beard (see below).

"Alla hu akbar!!! I am Florida citizen! I can learn to fly plane!"

Anyhoo, Jerusalem Camp 2005 is getting warmed up right now somewhere in West Virginia, mountain momma. While I'm not into "kiruv," and I don't like the idea of making non-religious people "frum," and I'm generally burned out with the "neo-hassidic hippie Judaism" that I was once so involved with, I do believe that a great thing is happening out there with Ze'ev, Moish, Shalom and that whole crew, so I would like to wish them all hatzlacha raba, and that their Shabbos davenning, as well as everything else, is a gevalt.

(link from 'laizer of Wilderness City, who I suspect is someone who I know and have had Shabbos with in the last year -- n'est-ce pas, 'laizer?)

"Rise Like A Lion To Do G-d's Will...

2005-06-23T11:59:00.000-04:00

"... and if He sends that lion to attack you, reach into its mouth and rip out its tongue!"

Allright, so if it's a leopard, whatever.

Alls I have to say is, Septuagenarian Kenyan peasant farmers who hear the voice of G-d rule. (Link from Fark.com).

Why is it Glowing, Shloimele?

2005-06-22T10:59:00.000-04:00

Just read a review of this new film (Flash required) on Adderabbi that actually made me want to see it. Evidently, according to another review on bangitout.com, it was featured at the Tribeca Film Festival this year. The video excerpts on the website actually look... good!

Rabbis, Rabbis Everywhere...

2005-06-22T09:24:00.000-04:00

Above are some of my pals who have recently become "modern orthodox" Rabbis. From the far right (in imitation of the Semitic languages):

• Leibush leads the Ghetto Shul in Montreal.

• Gavriel leads Kehillath Aish Kodesh in Boulder.

• Raz teaches at Yeshivat Simchat Shlomo in Jerusalem.

• Ezra, as you can see from this article in Jewlicious, does outreach in Jerusalem's old city.

• Since Charlie (far right) never writes or calls, I have no idea what he's up to.

Not pictured (anyone got a pic?) is Yonah, who will be taking some sort of rabbinical position at the University of Florida Hillel.

I am honored to call these guys my friends.

Our Childrens' Nostalgia

2005-06-16T16:33:00.000-04:00

Above is VHS Or Beta, one of a growing cadre of new bands out there (Ima Robot and The Chalets being two of the more tolerable ones among them) who are seemingly obsessed with sounding exactly like they sat down with Duran Duran, The Clash, Translator, Joe Jackson, Tommy Tutone, The Police, The Cars, The Go-Go's, Tony Basil, Talking Heads and The Cure for an ecstatic, all-night, almost too-imitative-to-be-considered-copyright-safe musical orgy.

Whoda' thunk that anyone would ever have wanted to rip off the 80's, which is collectively known as one of the most embarrassing decades of human civilization? I mean, hey, I love every 80's song ever made (with the one possible exception being "Pop Goes the World", the most annoying doink-bop piece of trash ever created, in case you were wondering how I really felt about it), but everyone knows that that's due to nothing other than good ol' nostalgia, which, as we all know, just ain't what it used to be.

It reminds me of the deporable (yes, deplorable even today) tendency of late 80's and early 90's pop music to emulate 60's music (see "Sowing the Seeds of Love," "The Dukes of Stratosphear," World Party, Jellyfish and way too many others), which was just freaking stupid and... well, just freaking stupid. Deee-Lite was the only group that could really pull it off, because they not only dove in head-first with an infectious, modern-retro Day-Glo theatricality, but they also brought hip-hop, funk and techno in to meet the 60's head-on, creating a new genre of retro-fusion that innovated as it imitated.

Thus, I just can't figure out how to feel about groups like VHS or Beta, whose tunes are certainly catchy to me, but, I suspect, only feel that way because they sound like they were recorded with the same instruments and in the same studio as "Rock The Casbah" -- are these truly great musicians, or just truly great poseurs?

(P.S. Just as a footnote on the whole "innovation during imitation" theme, I actually really enjoyed this video from The Chalets that I saw today on Screenhead, which has become my everyday, between-task desktop TV.)

Bar's Random Rantless Emes (vol. 10)

2005-06-16T15:50:00.000-04:00

• There is a new CD out to raise funds to save Gush Katif. Please allow a thriving Jewish community in Israel continue to thrive (P.S. The jury is still out for Chazarmaveth on this one -- that's why this column is called "Bar's Random Rantless Emes").

The above CD is a compilation from the top names in the Jewish rock world including Piamenta, Moshav Band, Blue Fringe, Pey Dalid and Soulfarm. There's also some equally great up-and-coming bands, including Heedoosh, White Shabbos, Farbrengiton and many more.

• Rabbi Adin Steinsaltz has been elected to head a 21st Century Sanhedrin. Bitchin'!

• The son of an employee at my company won the National Spelling Bee contest. Check out how to spell "appoggiatura."

Where Do People Find The Time...

2005-06-08T09:07:00.000-04:00

...to come up with stuff like this?

(P.S. If you haven't seen Revenge of the Sith (which, incidentally, if you rearranged the letters, could be titled Revenge of the Shit, which is a much more apt title, as the above link demonstrates), you won't get it.)

Scrabbled from fark.com, which looks like an interesting new place for me to waste more of my day.

My Subway Fantasy

2005-06-07T08:35:00.000-04:00

Collecting my backpack from my lap, I exit the Local Train at 96th Street amidst the crush of 7:30 AM commuters who want to get onto the Express Track. Ah, there's one waiting at the station. Quick, jam myself in through the door...

"AND JEEEEEEEESUSSSS HE GOIN' BE HEAH NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND YOU KNOW, CHILDREN, THAT HE GOIN' SAAAAAAAVE YO' SOULSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND HE GOIN' TA CLEAN UP ALL YO' GRIEVOUS SINS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

... as my nose is involuntarily thrusted by the force of someone else's elbow in my back right into this preacher-fucker's armpit.

Now I'm clinging onto a pole for dear life, while this man is yelling, nay, screaming into my very face about how homosexuals are sinners, how God is going to destroy me until I die, all while I just want to stand there, read my article/novel and drink my coffee in peace and fucking quiet, because it is my right to have peace and fucking quiet on my ride to work every morning at 7:30 AM. It is my inalienable right as a citizen of the United States to have peace and fucking quiet on the subway on my ride to work in the morning.

And sure, he might be right, I might burn in hell for eternity for all of my grievous sins. But at 7:30 in the morning, I'd rather endure the fiery thumb-screws of Hades being clamped unmercifully around my you-know-what than to have to listen to this guy screaming at us.

I just wanted to stand straight up to this guy, look him right in that cockeyed, bloodshot, slightly-off eye and say:

"Will you please just be quiet or go to another car right now? No one here wants to listen to you. No one here cares what you have to say. We just want you to be quiet and to go away. Can I have some support here, please? (looking around to fellow passengers, who nod their heads and fervently say "Yeah!" in agreement, knives darting from their eyes in dotted lines toward the stunned preacher-fucker, as I wave my arms around in little circles to whoop-up more momentum)."

To anything he tries to start and say, I fix my gaze upon his eyes and mantrically repeat, "Be Quiet." The words "Be Quiet" become a small chant, and soon the entire train car starts enforcing its collective will on this guy with the chant, "Be Quiet, Be Quiet, Be Quiet, Be Quiet!" until I grab him under the soft part of the arm and say, "Here, I'll even escort you to the door, sir," as the other standing passengers magically part-like-the-Red-Sea to let me bring this guy out of our car.

And no one quits till the guy is safely off the car, at which point the thunderous applause commences, whooping and whistling and slaps on the back, and I wave to the general commuting populace of this great city with a gregarious smile and the line, "Thanks, everyone. I'm going to read my book and drink my coffee now, in peace and fucking quiet."

Tomorrow, if that guy is on my train, I'm going to do it for real.

"If It Bennnds, It's Funny..."

2005-06-03T12:36:00.000-04:00

"...if it breaks, it's not funny!"

Saw Glengarry Glen Ross last night, live on Broadway. Alan Alda as Shelley "The Machine" Levine, Liev Schreiber as Richard Roma, and Jeffrey Tambor as George.

(Tambor rocks, incidentally, not only because of his passing resemblance to Get-Off-My-Train!!! guy Vincent Schiavelli, but because he had a role in the long-forgotten but mind-blowingly ahead-of-its-time Max Headroom pilot back in 1985.)

Spellbinding performaces from the entire cast, worthy of every accolade printed on the big yellow banners hanging outside the theater. Ensemble acting at its lightning-fast, precisely-90-minute finest! The tiniest idosyncracies of Mamet's razor-sharp dialogue were handled so expertly that at times I completely forgot that these were actors on a stage with scripted lines and stage directions, who perform the same hour-and-a-half of blistering shouting-over-each-others'-lines dialogue every night of the week. The only thing missing from this Tony-nomiated "revival" script was the infamous tear-you-a-new-asshole monologue delivered with bone-chilling ruthlessness by the Alec Baldwin character in the first minutes of the movie adaptation.

All things considered, it's actually quite difficult for me to decide whose portrayal of Shelley "The Machine" Levine I like better -- Alda's or Jack Lemmon's (from the movie). Both fine actors, both at the top of their game with their respective performances. I thought I kept hearing Lemmon's screen persona creeping into Alda's performance... but then, I thought, why would Alda need to imitate anyone? He pulled it off spectacularly well, without any indication that he would've needed to watch any crummy movie adaptation to figure out his own character's motivations... but then again, perhaps I was just held too tightly within the hypnotic, spectatorial thrall of being-in-the-same-room-with-a-Famous-Actor to render an honest evaluation... I dunno...

(And by the way, speaking of cynicism towards the cultish reverence we Americans heedlessly and involuntarily pay to Famous Actors, I recently saw Team America:World Police, Parker/Stone's live-action, all-marionette film that features, among other uproariously hilarious (and/or disgusting) segments, a scene in which a whole slew of revered Hollywood actors/activists (Tim Robbins, Susan Sarandon, Sean Penn, Janine Gerafolo, Helen Hunt, Matt Damon, Samuel L. Jackson, etc.) get freaking blown the hell away with missle launchers, shotguns and automatic machine gun fire because, as Parker/Stone mention in the DVD commentary, "Hollywood actors are idiotic assholes who really suck.")

And on yet another side note, had dinner before the show at one of the nicest Kosher restaurants this side of the Atlantic, Le Marais. Tres magnifique! Nice to see the Kosher world really do it right.

Good Shabbos!

Bar's Random Rantless Emes (vol. 9)

2005-06-02T08:48:00.000-04:00

• Check out the Chapel of Sacred Mirrors.

• zemerNYC is an experiment to create an effective bi-weekly promotional vehicle for NYC's Jewish musical world.

• Matrix Healing - This is the first book written by a medical doctor to reveal the healing secrets of Kabbalah.

• Kartoo - graphic map based searching.

• Big Ass Fan -- geniuses at work!

Middle-Eastern Jungle Fever

2005-06-02T08:29:00.000-04:00

Remember John and Yoko's Bed-In for Peace? No, you probably wouldn't. Unless you're my mother, you probably weren't born yet.

Anyway, John was Anglo. Yoko was Asian. They both hated the Vietnam war. In 1969, they held a week-long press conference from a bed in a hotel room in Montreal, jiving about peace. Wearing nothing but their jammies. Then, after getting visited by all sorts of famous people (including a Rabbi), they recorded "Give Peace a Chance."

Whelp.... in this week's updated version, two gay Israeli artists are staging a bed-in in a Brooklyn art gallery, inviting Arab men to come love them. This "installation" is called Sleeping With The Enemy.

From the article in stuff.co.nz:

"We felt frustrated with the political situation in the Middle East," said Gil (one of the artists). "As Israelis, we grew up with Arabs but we were encouraged by the education system to hate and abuse them so we thought we must do something about it."

"So we decided to fall in love with one of them."

Thanks to Artkrush for the heads up.

A Manic Panic Shidduch?

2005-05-27T09:33:00.000-04:00

I know it's none of my business, but when I saw this photo on Jewlicious yesterday, everything fell into place.

This is my pal Aaron's dream girl.

Check out him reading his poem at Mimamaakim's Def Midrash Jam last year, or check out the text of the poem, and you make the call.

According to her blog, she's moving to Israel this summer. Better act fast, brother!

You Are Not Even A Jawa

2005-05-25T08:15:00.000-04:00

I didn't like Episode III. There, I said it. With their combination of utterly reprehensible casting decisions, tepid screenwriting and favoring of way-too-overstimulating CG over actual character development, those alien invaders at LucasFilms who have hijacked Lucas' brain have transformed Darth Vader's whole legendary journey toward the Dark Side of the Force, which once represented the epic struggle of light and shadow within all of us, into a shallow, adolescent, sissy-boy parody of itself.

However, not even the die-hard cynics of the Old School can escape the multitude of parodies-of-parodies that circulate around offices like mine. Here's some of the better ones this week:

• Pit your feeble human mind against the all-powerful Dark Lord in this interactive seance (Flash required).

• Store Wars, a movie that quite reminded me of The Meatrix, which is also worth checking out.

• Revenge of the Brick. Lego madness. Beautiful.

Wagging The Rebbe

2005-05-23T13:34:00.000-04:00

An Exclusive Work of Short Fiction by Correspondent Hank Magitz
(Illustration by Paty Cockrum)

It is a widely held Jewish belief that there are no coincidences in life. Everything has a reason and is part of a construct of divine events on behalf of some lofty, arcane purpose. Consequently, when Baruch Katz’s grandmother—an elderly, olive-skinned woman from the old country—put the evil eye on Moshe Herson for mistreating and humiliating her grandson, it came as no surprise when the miracle occurred.

The physical seeds of the miracle were planted one memorable day at shul. It was a Saturday morning and while the skies were overcast, it seemed that we’d be spared any rain. This was noteworthy only to the rabbi and a few of the old-timers. Old-timers wouldn’t ride in the car on the Sabbath, so rain was something they preferred on Sundays or Mondays or Tuesdays and so forth. The rest of the congregation at the Chabad Center of Northwest New Jersey forgot about the Sabbath the minute they left the building and got into their cars. Most of them had already forgotten about Baruch Katz, too. They knew even less about Chabad’s inner workings than they did about Judaism—indeed, the instrument had not yet been invented that could measure how little they knew about either, so they had no idea what Katz had done or hadn’t done to get himself fired from the organization and besmirched and sent into exile. A small cadre of Russian immigrants from the community briefly petitioned Moshe Herson, dean of the Rabbinical College of America in Morristown and head of New Jersey Chabad Inc., to intervene on Katz’s behalf. How naïve some immigrants are!

In any event, the incident had been pretty much swept under the carpet as both Moshe Herson and his son, the titular rabbi at the Chabad Center, had anticipated. No one ever went broke underestimating the naiveté of the average Chabad contributor. And the Hersons were far from broke. They controlled properties all over New Jersey.

(more)

Keeping Up With The Joneses

2005-05-23T10:00:00.000-04:00

On the left: Indiana Jones. On the right: Vendyl Jones. Both righteous non-Jews. Both archaeologists. Both seekers of the Holy Ark of the Covenant. Both considered nutty by their fellow archaeological peers.

The main difference between them: Vendyl has the blessing of a secret Kabbalist, and Indy does not.

The above article says that Vendyl predicts to discover the Ark's whereabouts by this summer, on or around August 14, 2005, which will be 5 days after my wife is supposed to be giving birth to our first child. That would be a pretty freakin' cool birthday party, man. That is, unless it brings about the End of Days.

If Vendyl really does wind up causing The Apocalypse, then I guess we won't ever have a chance to play The Ark of The Covenant Board Game, because we'll be playing the REAL THING, BABAY! Perhaps Vendyl truly is the ANTICHRIST after all... Hmmm...

(thanks to Bar for the heads-up on this)

Bar's Random Rantless Emes (Vol. 8)

2005-05-19T09:15:00.000-04:00

• Anarchy in Israel? Here's a quote from a new community page:
Amora = Gomorrah, the most 'evil' place on earth; Moria = Mount Moriah, the most 'holy' place on earth; AMORIA = an intentional community based on amore, love; there's no 'us' and 'them', there is only 'us'; no one knows the 'truth', the 'right' way to live -- and that's why we're committed to constant and continuous revolution, always striving for more health, equality, and freedom. Long live (A)narchy!

• Here's a link to Rabbi Avraham Sutton's website, Pathways to Redemption.

• Jewish Arts group Mimaamakim is having a funky get together on Sun. June 5th in NYC - Poetry featuring Matthue Roth and music by Juez (breakbeat klezmer jazz) and Sway Machiner (ashkenazi punk blues). Also, Jake from Mimaamakim is teaching "From King David to Allen Ginsberg," a Jewish poetry reading/writing workshop at Makor in July.

• The Soda Tab Holocaust Memorial.

• The Small World Phenomenon - you may know it as Six Degrees of Separation.

• Carleebach Shul is having a pre-Lab B'Omer Kaballistic Trail (whatever that means) in NYC:

WHAT'S NEXT!!! WHAT'S NEXT!!! WHAT'S NEXT!!!

2005-05-19T08:35:00.000-04:00

Dude. This guy rocks. His platform is fresh, his style is right on, and his messages are just, well... judge for yourself. Makes me want to start vlogging! (Be sure to check his rant labeled People who defend Celebs (Morons), with which I wholeheartedly agree.)

Once again, copped from the evil forces of Screenhead. Damn, they're good.

The New Proto-Jewish Avant-Garde...

2005-05-17T18:38:00.000-04:00

... starts here, with the most "WHAT IN THE HELL WERE THEY ON WHEN THEY MADE THIS?" video I have seen in a long, long time. Made by Jew B. and Milky Whyte, who are seriously... seriously cracked. Thank you to Screenhead for once again providing me with my recommended daily allowance of terror-filled shreiking before a CRT monitor.

New Mitzvahs and New Sins

2005-05-17T16:25:00.000-04:00

Yup, he's at it again.

Lovable, furry old David Byrne is takin' it to the street in Toronto, where his public art exhibition entitled The New Sins is being displayed all around town, courtesy of the CONTACT Toronto Photography Festival. A series of 16 to 20 bus-station-style lightboxes (such as the ones pictured above) duplicated God-knows-how-many-times and scattered all over the city, exhort John Q. Canada to rethink all the values that he's learned over the years from his parents, church, and TV... mainly from church, it seems, though. Or in my case, from temple.

Byrne actually conceived of this piece in 2001, when he printed these pages out and bound them together in a leather-bound, prayer-book-looking little volume whose texture, fonts and color scheme scarily resemble those of the Artscroll Siddur. Then he travelled to various random hotel rooms across the U.S., placing these books inconspicuously next to or atop the Gideon Bibles that have awaited the American wayfarer in his/her hotel room since time immemorial. Evidently, the spawning of bemusement, confoundment and/or perturbation amidst the great, anonymous masses of wayfaring American citizens has become one of Byrne's artistic preoccupations, but hey... what's a few nutty preoccupations among us world-famous artists, after all?

Below is a page from his book that I thought was pretty challenging (posted without permission, but I figure, if it drives people to his site, he may not mind s'much, after all, he's David Byrne, not Metallica):

"Honesty presumes an essential truth, a truth that is self-evident, obvious and agreed upon by all concerned. It presumes that the facts don't lie, that objective reportage is the news and that any portion of the truth is as valuable as all of it.

But can we not see that this is plainly not so, that fiction more often conveys the essence, the truth behind the truth, the golden seed that lies at the core of an even or person?

A fiction, a lie, a blatant yet well-told untruth -- do these not convey more of the essence of the matter or person, more of the reason why and who? The more fanciful this fiction, the more fabulous, inventive and mercurial -- is not this imagined universe more real that the one broken down into legalese, endless streams of data, charts and graphs?

How and why should love be honest? Love is a lie, a beautiful lie, a lie told by God to all His creatures. Is not this Lie better than Dirty Honesty? Our loved ones demand honesty, but what they really want is better fiction."

Join The Dark Side, You Shmendrick!

2005-05-13T11:03:00.000-04:00

Top Ten Things That Would Be Different If Darth Vader Had Been Jewish (courtesy of bangitout.com, who are sometimes actually quite funny)

10. Under his usual black attire, he'd be wearing a white-on-white shirt, and his cloak would have tzitzis.

9. Along with a Light saber in one hand, he'd have an esrog in the other.

8. The Death Star would be renamed, The David Star.

7. "Luke, I am Your Father, Nu?...now cut that hair and get a real job!"

6. Instead of trying to conquer the galaxy, he and Natalie Portman would try finding a place to settle in Ramat Bet Shemesh.

5. His rebbeim, Yoda and Obi-Wan Kenobi, may have tried keeping him on the derech by having him read Mesilas Yesharim a few more times.

4. He would have renamed trusty robots - C613PO and r770d770

3. He never in a million years would have allowed his tznius daughter, Princess Leia, to get involved with a wild guy named Han.

2. Getting people to come to the dark side would have involve a mitzvah tank.

1. The term, "May the Force Be with You" would end off with an "Im Yirtzeh Hashem."

TQTJ Talks to Harlan Ellison (Part III of III)

2005-05-12T14:40:00.000-04:00

In this installment of our Tough Questions for Tough Jews series, author Clifford Meth interviews fellow tough Yid and award-winning author Harlan Ellison. This is Part III of III -- for Part I, click here, and for Part II, click here.

METH: Last question and I’ll let you go. You’ve told me this before but I don’t think it’s ever been printed. Your solution for Israel and the Middle East, please.

ELLISON: Okay. Here’s the story. It’s got to be 10 or 15 years ago when I get a call from the USIA, the U.S. Information Agency, the ones who do all the propaganda for the United States. They said, “Mr. Ellison, we’ve had a request for you to come and lecture in Israel. As an American-Jewish writer who is very popular—your works have been reprinted over there—they’d like you to come and lecture in Haifa at the university. So I said, “Yeah, that’s all right.” Now, in truth, I have about as much interest in going to Israel as I do in going to Germany, into which I have never set foot. That’s one of the three or four things I’ll never do. I did a list of things I will never do in my life: I will never do an ad for McDonald’s; I will never step foot in Germany; I will never eat lima beans; I would never harm a child; and I will never voluntarily read a book by Judith Kranz. Those are five of the things that are uppermost in my life. So then when I say voluntarily, I mean if you put a gun to my head, I probably would read a book by Judith Kranz, but I wouldn’t like it. As for lima beans, as I have often said you show me someone who will eat a lima bean without a gun to the head, and I will show you a pervert.

So, to get back to where I was: An entire nation of people who are like my relatives, a whole country of yentas and kvetches, is not my idea of a good time. Now, I would love to see Petra, I would love to see the pyramids of Egypt, but I really have no interest in going to Israel. But, what the hell? Free trip, and Susan and I would go and we would do whatever. And maybe I could get to Petra while I’m there. So, I say, “Sure, I could do that.” And they’re going to pay me a nice fee. Okay.

About a week goes by and USIA calls again and they said, “They would like to do interviews with you prior to your arrival so that they can warm the country up for your coming” and I said, “That’s terrific.” They said, “Well, The Jerusalem Post will be calling you, which is one of the biggest newspapers in the world,” and I said, “Great” and “Thank you very much” and “I’m looking forward to going” and blah, blah, blah and all that bullshit.

So one morning, soon thereafter as the crow flies, I get a call from a guy and I can’t remember what his name was, but let’s call him Eleazer ben Yehudi. And he calls and he says, “Hello, this is Eleazer ben Yehudi and I am the senior editorial reporter for The Jerusalem Post and I would love to interview you.” And I said, “Just fire away.” And the first question out of his mouth is: “What do you, as an American Jew, think of the situation in the Middle East?” And I said to him, “Well, why would you ask me that? I’m a writer. I write amusing little fantasies. I’m not a political commentator. I don’t know what you people are going through over there. I have no opinion.” “No, no!” he says. “We’re anxious to hear what you think!” And he nuhdjes and nuhdjes and nuhdjes and pushes at me—already I know I’m going to hate Israel—and he keeps saying, “I want to know what you think! We want to know you want!” He sounds like Jackie Mason. So I say, “Listen. Trust me. You don’t want my opinion.” “Yeah!” he screams. “We want your opinion! We’re dying for your opinion! We’re plotzing to have your opinion!” He goes on and on and on; he will not let me off the hook. So finally I say, “Okaaay… but remember the old Chinese adage, ‘Be careful what you wish for because you might get it!’” And he goes, “Ha, ha, ha! Extremely clever… So? What is your opinion?” And I said, “Here’s my opinion: all of you guys out there in the Middle East are out of the same melting pot, and you’re all as crazy as a butterfly on absinthe. I don’t know whether you’re all Canaanites at the base, or you’re all Jews at the base, or outa the Land of Nod, or whatever the hell you were at the git-go—Semites or what not—but you’ve been fighting there now for something like 8,000 years! You’ve never had five minutes of quiet and peace; you’re forever killing each other over the Holy Grail, or whatever the hell it is, and the rest of the world has had to suffer with this. Great things have come out of the Middle East, but stupidity seems to be your chief export—stupidity and violence are your cash crops, all you.” (And this was before September 11). I said, “My solution to the problem in the Middle East is this: We erect a wall 26 miles high around the entire Middle East. That’s Syria, Lebanon, Saudi Arabia, Iraq, Iran, Israel, Egypt, all of you—the whole bunch of you—26 miles high with one door, like a regular door in the front of a house. And every 10 years, we will open the door and look inside. If you’re still fighting, we close the door. Loz ze gein, you should live and be well—go and fight and kill yourselves. But if we peek inside and it’s safe, if it’s nice, if you’re not fighting, and you’ve got peace and quiet, you can come out and play with the rest of us like human people.

And the guy says, “What?” And I said, “Do you want me to repeat that?” He says, “No, thank you very much.” Bamm! He hangs up on me. Within an hour—an hour—USIA calls up and says, “Tour’s off. Pffffft!” And I tell you, I was relieved!

Being a tough Jew is like being a tough Oriental kid in an all-black neighborhood. When you’re an outsider, you’ve got two choices: You either become a target for people to hit you, to bully you, and con you, to take advantage of, and you wind up marrying people you shouldn’t, and you wind up in a job you shouldn’t have with people who bully you, or, you get tough. Now tough doesn’t mean hard. I’m not a hard guy; I’m a tough guy. That means that I take no shit and I’m wrong more often than I’m right, and when I am, I admit it. And that’s another part of being a tough guy. When you’re in the wrong you’ve got to face up to it and you’ve got to take responsibility for it. You can’t keep pushing it off on other people, and you can never blame the fact that you are a Jew! That’s what gets the goyim pissed off at us.

We just had a little fender-bender up here and I’m talking to the woman at AAA and she starts talking about “You people.” She was a black woman so she probably didn’t know that she was actually quoting the thoughts and philosophies of the Protocols of the Elders of Zion, but that’s what she was doing. I tried to straighten her out but it was impossible. It’s widespread common lore that Jews own everything, to which my response is, “Well, if there is actually a great international Jewish money conspiracy, there’s some Jew out there with two shares, because I’m working my ass off!”

You’ve got to be able to accept responsibility for what you do, and you’ve got to be able to try and convince a lot of people who aren’t bad people, they’re just ignorant—not stupid, just ignorant; big difference—that Jews are not the arrogant, all-knowing “Chosen People.” That is as elitist bullshit as the Christians who think that when the Rapture comes, they’re going up and we’re going down. That’s just elitism, and it’s a bad kind of elitism, as opposed to my elitism, which is based on intelligence. Which is a good elitism.

And if you don’t like it, I’ll punch the shit out of you.

© The Kilimanjaro Corporation, 2005

TQTJ Talks to Harlan Ellison (Part II of III)

2005-05-11T14:11:00.000-04:00

In this installment of our Tough Questions for Tough Jews series, author Clifford Meth interviews fellow tough Yid and award-winning author Harlan Ellison. This is Part II of III -- stay tuned for Part III tomorrow.

METH: You talked about Avram Davidson with great affection. He was a tough Jew.

ELLISON: Yeah, Avram was a very tough Jew. He was also frequently as crazy as a Jewish bedbug.

METH: Tell me again, that story you told me once, about what happened with you two in New York City.

ELLISON: Well, Avram had been in the Israeli Merchant Marines and he’d been all over the world. But Avram, when I knew him, was a pudgy, little Jewish guy wearing a yarmulke who used to walk down from the Upper West Side with rye bread for me when I was living in the Village. And one time we decided to travel together to a science-fiction convention in Philadelphia, and I was going to drive. I had an Austin Healey—an open-air little convertible, nifty set of wheels, very sexy, gun-metal blue, with a louvered bonnet. And, as always, I was going to take my typewriter with me. (suddenly starts to laugh) So I told you this story?

METH: Yeah, you told me once upon a time; so tell me again.

ELLISON: (laughs hysterically) It’s the G-d’s truth! Avram came up to my apartment. I was living down in the Village at 95 Christopher Street, right at the corner of Bleeker, and I had packed my bag, but I had my typewriter out. I used an office manual in my apartment, but I had my portable way up on the top shelf of a clothes closet and I had to get up on a little stepladder to pull it down. Avram was behind me and he was catching these things that I was throwing down for the car—he’s standing behind me and he’s catching them. I didn’t quite turn around—I just assumed he would grab it because I was turned awkwardly on the top step of this short ladder, so I held the typewriter out for him and it clearly said “Olympia” and that’s a German-made typewriter (laughs so hard he can barely continue). And as I let go of it, I heard Crash! I turn around and the thing has fallen on the floor and smashed open. I said, “What the fuck was that all about?” He says, “It’s German.” He wouldn’t touch a German typewriter. He wouldn’t even touch it!

Avram would not allow his stuff to be printed in Germany. He would not sign a contract with a German publishing company. Avram knew that… You know that great quote from Owen Miller, the poet? “Of all liars, memory is the sweetest.” Avram knew that as time passed, schmucks like that neo-Nazi who shot the 10 people in Minnesota recently would resurface and the lies would start being told again—the Holocaust deniers and all of that. Avram understood that, and he held a grudge almost as well as I do. Anybody who wants to see how tough I am should read the piece I wrote called “Driving in the Spikes,” which is in The Essential Ellison. It’s an essay on revenge. I’m still working on grudges from 1962.

METH: That’s why I love you.

ELLISON: Look, Clifford you know this to be an absolute. I mean you can attest to this personally. As good a friend as I am—and I am loyal to the death—a guy who treated me well last year when I went to lecture in Phoenix had a little traffic accident; he got hit by a guy and I was in the car as he was taking me to my lecture. I said, “Fight it and I’ll come back and I’ll testify.” He said, “You’ll come back from L.A. to testify?” I flew back to Arizona at my own expense to go to traffic court with him. But as loyal a friend as I am, that’s how implacable an enemy I am.

Most sins against me are so minor and stupid, I can ignore them, and I do ignore them. I just cut that person out of the world. But every once in a while, something will happen where somebody evokes the kind of anger that I would feel as a Jewish kid in Painesville, in the school yard when they beat me up. You know the story that I tell. This is not long after the Depression, and we were not very wealthy. I mean we weren’t destitute by any means; my Dad worked and had a job, but it was very, very hard times. And one winter they ganged up on me and beat me up and tore my clothes off. I was buck-naked. If you’ve ever known an Ohio winter, they are terrible. The only place worse is Chicago. But I was so ashamed that my clothes had been torn off and that they were ripped, because my mother was very fastidious and very conscientious that because we were Jews, my clothes were always clean and never patched. You know, you had to look like a mensch. And I was so ashamed and so chagrined to go home and show my mother the torn tatters of clothes that I was clutching, that I hid in the snow in the bushes for about four hours, until it was dark and they came and they found me. Blue. I was fuckin’ blue. Hypothermia. Pneumonia.

METH: I know Beckwith (see Part I of this interview) shows up as a character in “City on the Edge of Forever,” but whatever happened to Wheeldon?

ELLISON: Wheeldon died. Wheeldon shows up in my story “Final Shtick”—that’s me going back to my hometown. It’s a Lenny Bruce character, but it’s actually me. And the town is Lanesville... Wheeldon is dead. He wound up as a used car salesman; he was a milkman for a while, then he was used car salesman, and then he died. If you look at The Essential Ellison, you’ll see that photograph of me and my 3rd or 4th grade class and I’m smaller than everybody. I’m smaller than the smallest little girl. And we’re standing in rows on the steps of the school, Lathrop Grade School; and if you let your eyes track up to the top row, where the tallest kids stand, almost directly behind me is Jack Wheeldon, you can see him. It’s in the caption—there’s all the information there.

METH: I remember that picture of you smiling.

ELLISON: Actually, I’m not in fact smiling—it’s really very strange. Every kid either stands with hands at sides, or with hands clasped in front of them, little Dutch girl style. At the end is this little pugnacious-looking kid with his hands on his hips, leaning forward, wearing a Captain Midnight Secret Decoder badge, and a bandage on his face from some brawl. He looks like an escapee from The Newsboy Legion or one of the other kid gangs Jack Kirby used to draw. He’s looking right into the camera and his lips are skinned back like a feral animal. And it’s me. It is not a smile. There I am at age what? Nine? Ten? And I’m already a tough Jew.

METH: The story that I recall about you and Avram Davidson had the two of you facing off against a bunch of guys down in the Village—

ELLISON: That’s in print. It’s in Partners in Wonder and it’s the introduction to the story that Avram and I did called “Up Christopher to Madness.” Avram tells the true story about how I stood off an entire gang of Italian street kids.

METH: It wasn’t a Jewish thing?

ELLISON: Nah, it had nothing to do with being Jewish. It had to do with they came on broyges with us, you know—“on the muscle”—trying to give me a hard time, or they were bothering Avram, or whatever the hell it was, and I went after ‘em. And I drove off the whole goddam gang. There must have been 12 or 13 of them.

© The Kilimanjaro Corporation, 2005

Tough Questions For Tough Jews: Harlan Ellison

2005-05-10T13:45:00.000-04:00

In this installment of our Tough Questions for Tough Jews series, author Clifford Meth interviews fellow tough Yid and award-winning author Harlan Ellison. This is Part I of III -- stay tuned for Part II tomorrow, and Part III on Thursday.

METH: The first thing I read of yours that knocked me out was the intro to Approaching Oblivion where you talked about…

ELLISON: (interrupts) “I’m sick and tired of the world, and fuck the lot of ya.”

METH: Yes, that’s what it was. But there was a strong Jewish message in there. Here’s this little Jewish boy and his very Jewish experience. An experience that still affects you.

ELLISON: Yeah.

METH: You’ve always been conscious of being a tough Jew.

ELLISON: Yeah.

METH: Did you have Jewish role models who were tough Jews, because in the 1930s it would have been guys like Bugsy Siegel and Dutch Schultz representing that image.

ELLISON: No, I’ve never had a Jewish role model of any kind.

METH: So you thought Jews were a bunch of wimps.

ELLISON: No. You want to ask the questions and answer them, too? You can hang up and you won’t need me and I can go back to work.

METH: (laughing)

ELLISON: So, are you ready?

METH: Go.

ELLISON: Okay. I was a Jew in a world where there were no Jews. The only Jews I knew were my mother and father, and they weren’t all that Jewish. They were High Holy Day Jews. We would go into Cleveland and we would go to the synagogue there, and I would see all these people and they would be mumbling in a language I didn’t know. So I didn’t have that much contact with them. The way I knew I was a Jew was when I first learned that I was a kike, and I learned that at the end of Jack Wheeldon’s fist and feet, and his pals at Lathrop Grade School in Painesville, Ohio.

In my grade school, I was the only Jew for some while. I couldn’t have been any older than four years old when I moved to Painesville, and we lived on Harmon Drive, and there were no Jewish families at that time. Soon thereafter, there were Jewish families, but the kids were not in my class—I was a little bit older than them. And when I went to grade school, which was right around the corner from us, I was the only kid. Now, this was Ohio in the 1940s—‘39, ‘40, ‘41 that kind of thing. And these kids were the products of their parents inbred anti-Semitism. If they believed anything, they believed that Jews had horns and killed Christian babies to make their matzos. Now, you hear people sometimes talking about this, and they say it as a gag. I actually heard it. It was said to me.

Jehovah’s witnesses were big around there and I remember very clearly one day when I was walking home from school and this little girl started following me. And she started saying, “You’re gonna’ go to hell because you don’t believe in Jesus Christ. You’re gonna’ go to hell, and when you’re in hell, you’re gonna’ want water, and I won’t give it to you!” And I started crying and I ran on home.

Years later, I had to laugh: What a terribly loving, “Christian” attitude that was on her part.

I knew I was a Jew because they would not let me forget I was a Jew. We’re talking here about the middle-America version of The Protocols of the Elders of Fucking Zion. And I became a tough Jew because I had no alternative. I was very small and when we were all small, I was able to hold my own and I could brawl pretty good with the best of them. But as they got older and taller, and I stayed a dwarf, they were able to beat on me like a big door. When I got to high school—Champion Junior High School in Painesville—one day I was sitting in an auditorium because there was an assembly, and behind me were Wheeldon and Beckwith and Jividen and the rest of those assholes whose names, of course, are burned into my memory because they were those memories that never leave you, no matter how well-adjusted you get. And people say, “Well, let it go, let it go.” Fuck you, “let it go.” You let it go. I think bad memories are as valuable to a writer as good memories. Pain is a much greater friend to a real writer than pleasure because the pleasure takes care of itself—it’s what sustains you. But what gets you passionate and angry enough to write are the hurtful memories. And one of ‘em behind me called me a kike, and I turned around and I slammed the guy—I think it was Wheeldon, but it may not have been Wheeldon; it may have been another one of his no-neck cronies. I slammed him in the face with a geography book. And when he recovered from being hit, he punched me, and he hit me so hard, he tore the chair out of the floor. It was an old wooden high school, and the chair was pulled straight out of the floor.

So did I have any role models? Yeah. Me. Is that tough enough for you?

© The Kilimanjaro Corporation, 2005